1.
What looks just like a lemon, feels just like a lemon, smells just like a lemon, even tastes just like a lemon, but you shouldn’t eat it?
Somebody else’s lemon.
2.
Why couldn’t Helen Keller screw in a lightbulb?
Because she’s dead.
3.
How many Catholic priests does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one usually, unless perhaps it’s high up and somebody else is needed to hold the ladder steady.
4.
There was a young guy who was really excited to go to his first ever high school dance. He was worried about everything going perfectly. So he spent the entire day of getting ready for the big night. The first thing he did was go to pick up a suit he rented for the occasion. When he got to the rental, there was a long line of kids from his school ahead of them to pick up their suits. So he waited, staring at the time on his phone until he was finally able to pick up his suit and pay. Next he had to pick up a corsage for his date. He went to the florists, but there were several wedding orders being placed, so again he had to wait, nervously, in line. Finally, he got to the end and picked up a corsage. By this time it was getting really close to the time he had to pick up his date. He was nearly to her house when he got held up by construction and had to wait in a line of cars to pass through. But just in the nick of time, he picked up his date and they headed off to the dance. In between dancing, he asks his date if she would like anything to drink, she says yes. So he goes up to the beverage table, and there is no punch line.
5.
A horse walks into a bar and the barman says: “Hey buddy… Why the long face??”
The horse looks up and says “I just found out I have incurable bowel cancer and my wife is leaving me.”
6.
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
7.
What’s blue and smells like red paint.
Blue paint.
8.
Me: “I know a great knock-knock joke, want to hear it?”
Them: “Sure!”
Me: “Okay, cool, you start.”
Them: “????????”
9.
What’s worse than stubbing your toe on something in the dark?
The Holocaust.
10.
A man goes into a bar. He has a dog with him. The dog is wearing an eye patch. The man says to the bartender, “Ask me about my dog.” Unfortunately, the bartender does not hear him, because he went deaf in one ear as a child. He serves a woman at the other end of the bar. When he comes around to the man with the dog again, the man orders an imported beer. He forgets what he was going to say about the dog.
11.
Why did the blonde jump off of the cliff?
She was depressed and wished to end her life.
12.
What do you call an Indian on the moon? An astronaut.
13.
It’s business as usual for a bartender, and one day as he is cleaning his bar when an unusual customer walks in. The man is dressed in an expensive suit, has a beautiful supermodel hanging off each arm, and has a limo parked outside. Furthermore, the man has an orange for a head.
The customer sits down at the bar and orders everyone a drink. He pays for it from a roll of hundreds and manages to get the attention of every woman in the joint, despite having an orange for a head.
The bartender is not a man to pry, but he feels compelled to ask about this man’s life.
“Excuse me,” says the bartender, “I can’t help but notice that you’re obviously fabulously wealthy and irresistible to women, but you have an orange for a head. How did that happen?”
So the man told his story.
“A while back, when I was penniless, I was walking along the beach and saw an old lamp, half buried in the sand. I picked it up and gave it a clean, and POOF! out popped a genie. The genie explained that he had been trapped in that lamp for two hundred years, and that he was so grateful to me for freeing him that he would give me three wishes.
“For my first wish I asked for an unlimited fortune. The genie said ‘It is done!’ and from then on, whenever I needed money, it was there.
“For my second wish I asked for the attention of all the most beautiful women in the world. The genie said it was done, and since then I have been able to get any woman I wanted.
“For my third wish — and, this is the bit where I kinda fucked up — I asked for an orange for a head.”
14.
See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum. And one night, they decide they don’t like living in the asylum anymore. They decide they’re going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away into the moonlight. Stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend daren’t make the leap. Y’see… y’see, he’s afraid of falling. So then the first guy has an idea… He says, ‘Hey, I have a flashlight with me! I’ll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk across the beam and join me!’ But the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says… he says ‘Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You’d turn it off when I was halfway across!
15.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
16.
What’s the best time to schedule a dentist’s appointment? Exactly six months after your last one. Tooth decay and gum disease are not a fucking joke, Deborah.
17.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get its egg back.
Why did it need to get its egg back?
It was rolling down the hill.
Why was the egg rolling down a hill?
The farmer chose to build his farm on a hillside.
Why did the farmer build his farm there?
To be closer to the marketplace where his produce would be delivered.
How did he get the produce down the hill?
His brother delivered it in a truck.
Why did the truck driver stop in the middle of the road?
He had run over his brother, the farmer.
Why did the farmer get run over by the truck?
Because his chicken was crossing the road.
18.
What’s the worst part of four black guys driving off a cliff in a Maserati?
They were my friends.
19.
An Atheist, a vegan and a cross trainer walk into a bar.
I know this because they told everyone who they were within 5 minutes.
20.
Two blondes walk into a bar, the second one should have seen it coming.
21.
One day, little Johnny passes by his older brother’s room, where he overheard him talking to his girlfriend on the phone. The only phrase Johnny caught was “Purple flowers.” The next day in class, after giving instructions, the teacher asks if anyone has any questions. Johnny raises his hand and asks, “What are purple flowers?” The teacher goes, “Johnny, I will not tolerate that kind of language in my classroom. Go sit in the hall and think about what you’ve done.”
He goes out and sits in the hall when another teacher walks by and sees him. The teacher asks Johnny, “What are you doing sitting in the hall?”
“I asked a stupid question.”
“What was the stupid question?”
“What are purple flowers?”
“Johnny, go to the principal’s office. Now.”
When he gets there, the principal tells him, “You’re a good student, Johnny. You haven’t gotten in trouble before. So why are you here now?”
“I was sitting in the hall.”
“Why were you sitting in the hall?”
“I asked a stupid question.”
“What was the stupid question?”
“What are purple flowers?”
“Johnny, go home early. You’re suspended for the rest of the month.”
Johnny goes home and his mother asks him, “Why are you home so early, dear? It’s only noon.”
“I was sent to the principal’s office.”
“Why were you sent to the principal’s office?”
“I was sitting in the hall.”
“Why were you sitting in the hall?”
“I asked a stupid question.”
“What was the stupid question?”
“What are purple flowers?”
“Johnny, I’m kicking you out of this house. No son of mine is asking that.”
Johnny is now homeless. He decides to get a job at McDonald’s. Now keep in mind he’s, like, twelve. He gets the job, but after about an hour on his shift, the CEO stops him and says, “So we’ve looked at your record, and you’re severely underage. Why are you getting a job at McDonald’s anyway?”
“I got kicked out of my house.”
“Why were you kicked out of your house?”
“I was sent to the principal’s office.”
“Why were you sent to the principal’s office?”
“I was sitting in the hall.”
“Why were you sitting in the hall?”
“I asked a stupid question.”
“What was the stupid question?”
“What are purple flowers?”
“Johnny, you’re fired.”
Johnny is now both homeless and unemployed. He has no money, no supplies, nothing. He sits next to a hobo on the side of the road. The hobo looks at him and goes, “What’s a kid like you doing sitting out here alone?”
“I got fired from McDonald’s.”
“Why were you fired from McDonald’s?”
“I got kicked out of my house.”
“Why were you kicked out of your house?”
“I was sent to the principal’s office.”
“Why were you sent to the principal’s office?”
“I was sitting in the hall.”
“Why were you sitting in the hall?”
“I asked a stupid question.”
“What was the stupid question?”
“What are purple flowers?”
“Oh, you know what? I heard someone talking about purple flowers just a few minutes ago,” says the hobo. “Yeah, and he’s on the other side of the road there.” Johnny looks over and sees his brother on the other side of the road. Relieved, he goes to resolve the problem by asking the man himself. Johnny takes two eager steps onto the road and gets run over by an eighteen-wheeler.
The moral of the story is to always look both ways before crossing the road. 
