Hello everyone, welcome back to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I gotta say I’m pretty disappointed.
What did the right eye say to the left eye? “Between you and me, something smells.”
Why was the teacher cross eyed? Because he couldn’t control his pupils.
What did 0 say to 8?
My friend had a baby recently. The doctor was weighing the baby when she turned to my friend and said, “I’ve seen ugly babies before, but not on this scale!”
I wrote a poem:
Okay so it’s not the best poem, but it’s very deep!
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re very good at it.
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheburg.
Two muffins are in an oven.
One says to the other “Wow, it sure is hot in here!”
The other screams “OMG a talking muffin!!”
What did the buffalo say to his kid when he left for school?
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?
Because he was standing out in his field.
What do vegetarian zombies eat?
How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus?
A squirrel is living in a pine tree. One day he feels it shaking, looks down, and sees an elephant climbing the tree.
The squirrel asks: “What are you doing climbing my tree?”
“Well, I’m coming up here to eat some pears,” says the elephant.
“You idiot, this is a pine tree, there are no pears.”
“Well I brought my own pears.”
An older fellow is talking to his doctor. He asks the doc, “how long do I have?”
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30000 loan to take a holiday.”
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s OK, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall – bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30000, and he wants to use this as collateral.”
She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
“I mean, what in the world is this?”
The bank manager looks back at her and says, “It’s a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!
Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?
He got tired of everyone saying, “git a long little doggy.”
What do you call a snobbish criminal walking downstairs?
A condescending con descending.
A blonde is driving a bit too fast, and is pulled over by a blonde cop. The blonde cop says “let me see your driver’s license.” The blonde driver starts fumbling through her overstuffed purse, but can’t seem to find her license.
The cop says “c’mon, it can’t be that hard to find. It’s rectangular and has your picture on it.” The blonde driver continues rifling through the purse, and finally feels the only rectangular object in her purse: a small mirror. She looks at it, sees herself, shrugs and hands it to the cop.
The blonde cop takes one look and says “why didn’t you tell me you’re a cop? Have a nice day.”
Two men are hunting in the woods, a deer crosses their path and in the ensuing confusion, one hunter shoots the other with his gun. The shot man drops to the ground silent and appears to be near death. The shooter calls 911 and tells the operator, “Help, I think I just killed my friend!”
The 911 operator replies, “Ok sir, first things first, let’s make sure your friend is dead.”
The shooter replies, “Hang on a second.”
The sound of a gunshot can be heard by the operator. The man returns to the phone and replies, “Alright, now what?”