I am an anxious public toilet user. I feel self-conscious when people know what business I get up to in the toilet. I know its ridiculous, but I hate it when other people know when I have to release my bowels. You know, let one out the backdoor. I grew up watching Disney movies and wanting to be a princess. No Disney princess is known to excrete. I mean, Snow White kept her coffin clean while she was ‘dead’. So, over the years, I have developed some useful tips to poo in public toilets when you just can’t keep it in much longer.
1. Have tampons ready in your hand
Before going inside a cubicle, go through your purse, jiggle your hand a little to attract attention and pull out a tampon. Make sure other toilet users see you take it out. This helps create a story on why you’re taking a long time when you finally get down to business. For instance, one girl may say “Gosh that girl sure is taking a while. I bet she’s taking a dump,” but her friend will reply, “Oh I saw her take a tampon in there. She’s probably just dealing with her period.” Works like a charm.
2. Show disgust as you enter
This is particularly useful if there is a queue (common for female loos). After someone leaves a cubicle that you will soon use: inhale quickly, pinch your nose and pretend that it stinks in there as you enter. Look at the other ladies in the line and raise your eyebrows to tell them that the girl before is responsible for the ‘smell’ (which is of course, imaginary). Therefore, when you’re done later and actually produce a proper poop scent, the girl waiting to use it after you will just think its residual smell from the previous user. Harsh I know, but she’s just collateral damage.
3. Load toilet paper in the bowl
One of the biggest indicators of a pooper is the ploop noise of a cheeky piece of shit as it hits the water. The best way to deal with this is to drop lots of toilet paper into the bowl first. This will catch the fall and soften the noise. Trust me, this seriously works. It sounds simple but its pure genius.
4. Cough, sneeze and make other normal noises
Silencing a determined fart is hard but possible. Just cover it up with an even louder cough or sneeze or hiccup. Anything you can think of actually. This is your time to be creative! You can even pretend to be practicing for a singing competition. Make any noise you want as loudly as you can, as long as it is not a fart.
So, those are my tips on staying classy while being gassy. However, this is not a substitute for pooping at home. It is always better to do it in the comfort of your own home. Its less risky and you can take a magazine to pass the time without having to hide it.
On a side note: I have confided in a friend regarding my pooping anxieties. She has been really supportive and understanding. When I have to poo in public, she just uses the hand dryer until I’m done so nobody can hear me inside. Everyone should consider finding a friend like this.