It was the moment that I realized that for all of the moments you were on my mind, I was just an afterthought. I put you first, and you put me second. I was falling for you, and you were just playing your cards, keeping your options open. I know you liked me, and I don’t doubt that you did care about me. I saw it in the little gestures, like when you accidentally brushed my arm with your hand, or kissed me on the cheek. It was the side smiles and the way you blushed when I whispered in your ear. I could see that you felt something. I could see that we weren’t solely platonic. But no matter how badly I wish it were not true, I know now that you didn’t like me quite enough. You didn’t care enough. And that is all that matters now – that one little word – enough. You liked me, but not enough to bring me as a wedding date, or not enough to introduce me to your parents. You liked me enough to watch Netflix with, enough to play games with my heart, but not enough to actually fall for me. I wasn’t your person, and you just decided not to let me in on this secret. And even though my heart still aches, I’m glad I realized when I did that I couldn’t keep giving in to your games. I couldn’t continue to put my heart on the line when my feelings towards you would never be returned. The moment I got over you was the moment when I reached the realization that caring for you was a dead end road. Because the truth is, you probably would have replaced me if someone “better” had come along. And yet to me, you were my someone better.
I can’t lie when I say that I thought you were going to be in my life for a while. I allowed myself to be transfixed by you. I allowed myself to be swept away by your little gestures. I allowed you to charm your way into my heart, with only a little effort. I fell for you when our eyes locked. I fell for you when you laughed with me about my awkward stories. I fell for you when you acted hard to get, not realizing that you were never really acting afterall. You were hard to get – you were impossible to get. And yet, I allowed myself to think about what our future could hold, jumping ahead because I felt confident in you, I felt confident in us. I pushed aside the little voice that told me that maybe you weren’t ready for something serious. Because I didn’t want to believe it. Instead, I chose to believe that despite the risk, despite any hesitations or doubts, you belonged in my life. I chose to live on the edge with you, because I thoroughly believed that you were going to fall for me eventually. Not in a cocky sort of way, but because I noticed something special between us. We were unexpected. We were different. And I thought that because of this, we complimented each other. I thought that perhaps you were just slower at falling, and that you just needed a little more time than I did.
But you stayed my “almost.” I was the only one invested in this long term. And I’ll admit, I was taken aback when you told me, with subtle bluntness, that we would never be something real. Despite how much you had led me on. Despite how much you had made me believe otherwise. And you weren’t even trying to end it, you were just telling me that this wasn’t special to you. And I was more than a little crushed. I was disappointed. I thought maybe it was my fault, or that I wasn’t enough for you. And I became aware that I had been played by you, no matter if you intended for this to happen or not. This whole time, I thought we were heading in the same direction, when really, you were just passing time. You never expected this to turn into something real.
I grieved your loss. I allowed myself to be upset. And I tried my hardest not to blame myself for being so blind to your games. I reminded myself that you did care about me, you did have feelings for me. And I realized, in time, that I was brave for putting my heart out on the line and caring for you. I was brave to have trusted you. And while losing you was hard, deep down I know that you never would have been right for me, because I wasn’t enough for you. You didn’t value me for me. You didn’t have the intention of loving me. And the moment I reached this realization was the moment I started to get over you. Because if I wasn’t enough for you, then you weren’t enough for me. And no matter how many ways I analyze the situation, no matter how much I miss you, I know that there is no going back. There is no casual dating. This has to be the end.
I don’t regret you. I don’t regret falling for you. But I don’t want to repeat this kind of relationship again. I don’t want to fall for someone who sees me as temporary. I don’t want to be with someone who takes me lightly, someone who keeps me around as an option. I want to be someone’s first choice. I want to be someone’s person.
And I think It’s okay that it happened how it did. I don’t blame you and I don’t blame myself. I wore rose colored glasses when I was with you, and I saw what I wanted to see. I lowered my inhibitions due to the magnetic pull I felt when I was around you. I was so attracted to you, that I didn’t pick up on the subtle hints that you weren’t treating me how you would treat someone you truly cared about. I trusted you with my heart. And I can’t blame myself for doing so.
But next time around, I’m going to be a little more cautious. I’m going to wait for someone who sees me as their first and only choice, and not as just another option, or a way to pass the time. I’m going to wait for someone who feels proud to hold my hand, someone who wants to know my deepest thoughts in the middle of the night. I’m going to wait for someone who texts me good morning, and who wants to know all of the little details about my day. I’m going to wait for someone who holds my heart tenderly and carefully, someone who sees me as special, and irreplaceable. I’m going to wait for someone who wants me to be their person.
And in the meantime, I forgive you. I forgive you for hurting me, as I know that was never your intention. I forgive you for leading me on, with no hopes of actually ever fully having me. I forgive you for not liking me quite enough. And I forgive myself. I forgive myself for falling for you. I forgive myself for not seeing what was right in front of me. I forgive myself for looking at you and looking at the world through innocent eyes.
And even though my heart hurts right now, and even though I feel overly sensitive, I know, with certainty, that I am going to fully get over you. Because I deserve a person who chooses to love me, every single day. I deserve a person won’t be afraid to fall hard for me, without holding back. And most of all, I deserve a person who is ready to give me their full heart. Not just a fraction of it. Not just a piece.
Because I know that when I do meet the right person, I will absolutely give them my whole heart.