This probably isn’t your first heartbreak, and most likely, it won’t be your last. Yet, no matter how many times your heart breaks, you never become immune to the painful sting you feel or the way your life suddenly becomes dark and your world suddenly feels like a hopeless place to be.
Heartbreaks are never easy, no matter the circumstances and no matter who leaves first. We tend to think that the endings of longer relationships are always more difficult. And sometimes the longer relationships do have the most profound and painful heartbreaks. But sometimes the smaller heartbreaks still take their toll. Sometimes the loss of what could’ve been is harder to face than the loss of what was.
That being said, every heartbreak rips you apart; every heartbreak hurts. And there doesn’t have to be a rhyme or reason to why it is so painful. Comparing the pain of one kind of heartbreak doesn’t alleviate the pain of the other. And losing someone, no matter in what capacity, is never an easy experience.
Perhaps this heartbreak hurts even more than the last because of the confusing premise of it. Maybe it feels like you shouldn’t be quite so heartbroken, like you shouldn’t feel this devastated because it all happened so quickly. Maybe you blame yourself for falling this head over heels for someone. And maybe this heartbreak is even more painful because you know that the other person is okay.
You know that they are probably coping with it much better than you are. You know that they aren’t crying themselves to sleep every night. Maybe it hurts so much because the other person’s heart stayed intact while yours burst into smithereens. Maybe it hurts so much because you don’t think they are broken in the same way you are, and you wonder if the ending meant anything to them. Because, truth be told, the ending was everything to you.
Or maybe this time, you thought you found it. The big four letter word: love. Even though neither of you had said it, you thought you finally had it. You thought you had that special feeling, that feeling of being loved and of being in love, like nothing else mattered. And you believed that they felt it too, even if they didn’t say it. You thought that maybe you were special enough to them to be the only person they looked at in a crowded room. Even though you never admitted it, you believed that everything was falling into place, that this was the beginning of everything.
And maybe it was intentional, or maybe you were blind to it, but you know now that you were oblivious to all of the signs that suggested that maybe this wasn’t “it.” Maybe this wasn’t love or even the beginnings of love. Maybe they weren’t your person, despite how much you wanted them to be.
You basked in the innocence of pretending things were perfect, even believing things were perfect. You let the connection and the chemistry guide the way. You didn’t want to admit that anything was wrong. You didn’t want to think about the times you went home and cried because you were worried they didn’t like you enough. You didn’t want to admit all of those times when you felt like you said the wrong thing. You wanted to ignore the look you received when you talked too much or when you were too quiet, too lost in your thoughts.. You didn’t want to acknowledge that no matter how hard you tried, you felt like you were lacking in their eyes. That even when they were with you, they were searching for someone or something better. Like you weren’t the first choice.
And maybe, all along, you knew that this wasn’t right. That as much as you craved for this to be right, and as much as you pretended that everything was perfect, and even as much as you loved them, maybe your heart knew all along that something just wasn’t right. That you shouldn’t have felt so insecure. That you shouldn’t have felt weak or shy or like you had to hide half of who you were around them.
But they made you feel wild. And lit up. And on top of the world. And you had feelings, strong feelings, and this is why you held on so tightly. This is why you couldn’t give up on them. This is why you put on a brave face and chose to move forward. You kept thinking that eventually, it would work out. And eventually, it would be the love story that you had always wanted. Because it was for a while, at least. In your eyes, it was almost perfect. But looking back now, you know it was nowhere near perfect.
And eventually, when they left you, your heart shattered. And not because you didn’t know it was coming, but because you wished with all of your heart that this was the real thing. Because you felt like you were special. Like you were valued by someone. Like you were loveable. And even though it wasn’t right, that doesn’t stop you from wishing it was. It doesn’t mean that you miss them any less. It doesn’t stop you from craving them when they are gone. And it doesn’t mean that you loved them any less.
Heartbreaks are crushing. They leave you questioning your worth and yourself. They lead you into a deep loneliness that you don’t know how to handle, a dark loneliness that you don’t know how to escape from. They leave you shell shocked and broken, like your whole body is scattered into little pieces on the ground. You feel too broken to be fixed. And you feel inconsolable, like nothing but them can make you feel whole again. And most of all, they leave you feeling immensely sad and immensely low.
And then the day comes when you consider reaching back out to them in the hopes that maybe they changed their minds. You think that maybe, just maybe, they made a mistake. You don’t have to blame yourself for thinking this. You don’t have to feel bad if you send a text and don’t receive a response. You have a big heart, and you were hurt. You want to hear from the person who set your heart on fire. It makes perfect sense. But the secret is, if they had the ability to leave you, it’s better that they don’t come back. If they had it in their heart to doubt your relationship, they aren’t your person.
Because your person wouldn’t leave you. Your person wouldn’t be able to end your relationship so easily. They wouldn’t be able to walk away without looking back. And no matter how much you wish they would come back for you, you know deep down that they are no longer someone you should have in your life. They are no longer someone you should chase, because they have stopped chasing you.
And the truth is, if you weren’t enough for them, then they aren’t enough for you. If you’re too much for someone, then they aren’t your someone, because you shining your light should never scare your someone away. You being yourself should never make you feel less loveable. It’s okay if you are complicated. It’s okay if you feel as though you are a little bit difficult to love. No love is simple. But real love isn’t this hard. And you can do so much better than them.
It’s the hardest lesson in the world. It’s the hardest piece of truth that you’ll have to face. But sometimes the very best thing you can do is to let them go. Sometimes you have to say goodbye to someone good and instead wait patiently for someone better. Sometimes you have to say goodbye to someone, even if it feels so right, simply because, deep down, you know that their heart isn’t fully in it. And deep down, you know that they don’t love you in the way that you love them. And that they probably never will.
You deserve a two-sided love. A love without an expiration date. A love that is not a temporary fantasy. A love that doesn’t hurt quite this much. You need someone who not only infatuates you, but also someone who betters you. Someone who makes you more of exactly who you are.
The truth is, you deserve the type of love that can change the tides of the ocean. You deserve someone who will brag about you to every single person they cross paths with. You deserve someone who would yell “I love you” from the top of the mountains just to make you smile.
You deserve someone who has no doubts about you, someone who is certain with every fiber of their being. Someone who calls you just to hear the sound of your voice. Someone who adores you for your shy, quiet moments, and someone who loves your thoughts when you can’t seem to stop talking.
You deserve someone who makes you feel better when your world is dark, and someone who rubs your back when you cry. You deserve someone who chooses you every single day, day in and day out, with no hesitation. You deserve someone who goes out of their way to make you feel good, someone who touches your heart every single day. You deserve someone who can’t resist you, someone who can’t stay away from you, no matter how hard they try. You deserve someone who smiles at you when you giggle because they just can’t help themselves. You deserve someone who has eyes for you, and only you, in a crowded room.
You deserve someone who is in love with you. Someone who loves you deeply with no reservations.
You deserve the world and nothing less.