1. She’ll send a 5,000 word text. And while you’re typing your response, she’ll send another 5,000 word text. And another. And another. Because no one, since the inception of the typewriter, can type faster than a woman who’s fuming.

2. Break your shit. Ironically, she’d never break something she bought, perhaps it’s not as fulfilling.

3. She’ll give you the silent treatment. And like a schmuck you’ll keep asking, “What’s wrong?” until she explodes.

4. Slash your tires. Actually, the thought of slashing your tires is enticing, but in reality, few women usually go through with this because it’s actually harder than it sounds. But hey, like a shitty birthday present, it’s the thought that counts.

5. If it’s a touchy subject, she’ll initially argue with venom, but when she brings up the most sensitive issues, she’ll be reduced to tears.

6. Key your car. Key your bloodclaat car.

7. Bring up stuff from 11 years, 7 months, 4 days ago. Women are like Wikipedia, they know and remember everything.

8. Yell at the top of her voice – like she’s watching a cockroach vs lizard match. And not just any cockroach, I’m talking about the one that flies. OMG.

9. And then she’ll storm out of the room and slam the door. Because when she slams the door she’ll feel empowered.

10. Delete you from Facebook, WhatsApp, Instagram etc. And then for good measure, she’ll block you. And when you’re back on good terms again, she’ll re-add you.

11. Act like nothing is wrong, and give you enough rope to hang yourself.

12. Throw things at you. Yup, believe it or not, not every girl out there is level-headed.

13. You’ll wake up in the morning, and check your phone. Alas, in one long ass text message, she’ll break up with you, get back together, break up with you again, get back together again.

14. Fill in the blank ____________ (your personal experience, c’mon now, don’t be ashamed).