Christopher Hudspeth

You fell asleep watching a DVD, and the menu is constantly replaying. It’s really annoying.

In no particular order.

10. Mild hallucinations are setting in. Did my puppy just mumble something about Cee Lo Green’s tiny hands and smile with a full set of human teeth?

3. Text message interpreter.

Special shout out to pita wraps, foods on sticks, and spaghetti for also being incredibly delicious, but essentially impossible to eat without looking like a rabid animal.

1. Labels terrify some people and uncertainty terrifies others.

Couples showing affection during the workout. Yes, we get it, your babe is doing a good job and that’s fantastic, but you don’t have to let him/her know that with congratulatory kisses after each set.

2. Sports Teams

4. The I Can’t Wait To Get Home, Put On My Softest Pants And Do Nothing Person

Does this stuff come in newsletter form? Is there some exclusive memo or cool-kid-illuminati type of secret society meeting that excludes the rest of us? Or is it called Twitter? Please help.

A moment of pleasure is constantly being chosen over potential years of reliability and happiness. Then, when the flash of indulgence is over, consideration for what has been done begins.

Don’t have sex, because you will get pregnant and die.

2. Cheap buffet. Usually I like to wait all to eat, only having a snack here and there – you know, like appetite foreplay.

Yes, they say the early bird gets the worm but only if a productive night owl isn’t there to snatch it first.

4. When you’re walking or standing and people behind you start laugh.

The boogeyman of the dating world, the destroyer of hearts – the person who is able to change their mind about you on a whim.

K.

1. Having a witty, brilliant, perfect thought that’s over 140 characters.