Chelsea Fagan

Sometimes you just want to punch the baby.

Basically, if you’re the couple that just stands on the sidewalk for extended periods of time and boops noses together in between makeout sessions and sweet nothings, you deserve to get breadcrumbs thrown at you.

Kiss her lightly. Understand just how many boys have kissed her too hard, too fast, too sloppily.

You are the girl that every girl asks “OMG WHAT PRODUCT DO YOU USE” when you post selfies on your blog. You have got the perfect combination of length, well-conditioned softness, and complete absence of ugly breakage or split ends.

Treat yourselves to a nice dinner out at a fancy place when one of you gets a Groupon for it. Order dishes made for two and laugh when the waiter and other diners look at you bizzarely.

Everyone hates you and your stupid relationship. Everyone secretly makes fun of your constant back-and-forth of “love u baby” on your respective timelines. Everyone is going to quietly rejoice when the two of you finally break up — and you will.

I think the idea here is that, even if you’re having sex (of which you should not be having too much, because God forbid you break your vagina and lose the warranty or something) you shouldn’t be sharing.

Whether you’re one of the Nice Guys who take pictures of themselves wearing a fedora and complaining about how shallow women are with no irony, or you’re a walking Taylor Swift song who thinks every girl who manages to get a boyfriend when you don’t is an evil slut, you are just not making it to the “romance” stage.

The searching is perhaps the worst part, the breathless moments before the floor falls out from underneath you.

If you have ever accidentally entered a club on 18 and over night, you know what it means to feel simultaneously incredibly out-of-place and bitter at the universe for having put you in this position.

I know people in my actual life who, at the ripe old age of 24, say to me in all seriousness that they can “no longer” fulfill their dream of coming to Europe, or that they are “too old” to take the night classes towards the Master’s they want.

If someone tells you they don’t want marriage and kids, and that they aren’t going to change their mind, please do everyone a favor and listen to them.

The sale products are often in fairly odd places, such as the caps at the ends of rows where no one usually looks, so go hunting for them (or ask for help to find them #noshame).

He refers to things other than homosexual couples as being “gay.”

Did you ever call me “crazy” after we broke up, or even while we were dating?

Pretty Facebook Girls, you are the unicorns of the social media world. Your life is a blur of candid photos that somehow come out looking like something that would win a week’s competition on America’s Next Top Model, and other girls subtly remarking on how cripplingly jealous they are of you in comments that are meant to look joking.

Lonely is allowing this freedom from judgment to take root in your life, to become a reason to let things go.

When you go out together, you can feel it. There will always be limits to how beautiful or confident you can feel while in public with them because there is an inescapable overtone of being a loyal dog who doesn’t even need a leash to follow at the heel of its beloved-yet-distant master