32 Mistakes Not To Make While Drunk

1. Bringing up an extremely emotional/pertinent conversation in the middle of a crowded bar where you have to scream at each other by default.

2. Accidentally attempting to Google something unfortunate into your Facebook status bar. (Or, if you’re like me, typing the name of your crush you were trying to Facebook stalk into your status bar. Arguably worse.)

3. Falling asleep while waiting for food to heat up.

4. Responding to professional emails. “hey, bossman. Got the atachmentt. Will keep u posted. Love, chelsea.”

5. Taking off your heels and walking barefoot on even the most hypodermic needle-sprinkled city sidewalks.

6. Revealing your more saucy sexual proclivities to a horrified acquaintance.

7. Picking a fight with a bouncer who is roughly seven times your size and has little to no sense of humor.

8. Calling, texting, Facebook messaging, emailing, or in any way communicating with someone you’ve ever broken up with. I don’t care if you are bleeding from a stab wound in your abdomen and they drive the only ambulance in town — you wait until you are sober to call or you die.

9. Telling your friend that she is so gorgeous to the point where you actually start to weep from a painful combination of her beauty, the ephemerality of human life, and Jack and Cokes.

10. Waving away your last opportunity to pee in an actual bathroom before you leave the bar with a confident “That’s okay, I don’t have to go.” Oh, no. You have to go. You just don’t know it yet. Enjoy peeing while you cry in a McDonald’s parking lot.

11. Eating while laying down in bed. (Which, as we all know, is the fastest way to wake up covered in Dorito dust and shame.)

12. Listening to too much Ellie Goulding (unless you want to cry forever because her voice is like a clan of wood nymphs mourning at a funeral of one of their own oh god she is perfect).

13. Paying for a round of shots with your rent money.

14. Continuing the dance party on the subway filled with uncool, potentially murderous strangers.

15. Tweeting at people on Twitter that you only follow because they’re super hot, and telling them as much. (Although seriously, “social media expert,” you know that at least half your followers come from cheekbones. Mmm.)

16. Blogging without making the requisite announcement/tag that you are now “drunk blogging.” Everything written while drunk blogging is acceptable.

17. Drinking any substance out of a funnel attached to a hose. Unless you’re 19, in which case, enjoy alcohol poisoning! We’ve all been there. Just remember to take a multivitamin now and then, somewhere amidst your diet of Ramen Noodles and birth control.

18. Crying when Robyn comes on from the sheer emotion of it all.

19. If you live in DC, getting a Jumbo Slice (usually to be eaten while sitting splayed out on the sidewalk, yelling at passing cars).

20. Picking a fight with someone who stepped on your foot for half a second and clearly apologized.

21. Making out with your ex, if he/she happens to show up at the party. (No, not even if they look at you with that special look that only you two share. That “look” is called being horny and convenient.)

22. Accidentally saying a little too loudly how much you “can’t stand that bitch” in the general direction of that bitch you can’t stand.

23. Playing “Gangnam Style” 73 times in a row.

24. Smoking a cigarette when you are clearly someone who doesn’t actually smoke. (If everyone around you is like, “Holy shit, “_____ is smoking!” that’s a sign that you shouldn’t be going down this road.)

25. Taking a pill from a stranger in the club. (Perhaps amongst the most serious of all drunk mistakes not to make, but seriously, drunk and friendly strangers are still very much strangers.)

26. Saying inappropriate things to the cab driver who is kind enough to be taking your sloppy ass home.

27. Getting into a k-hole where you start Wikipedia-ing things like “serial killers” or “conspiracy theories.” Don’t go down that road, bro.

28. Start yelling Tumblr things like “My body is ready!” at the proposition of doing a round of Jagerbombs. People won’t get it, and you’ll just look weird.

29. Attempting to speak a foreign language that you clearly do not speak, upon meeting someone who comes from a country that speaks said language. No one wants to hear your butchered 7th grade Spanish, least of which Ana from Venezuela.

30. Screaming in the general direction of the DJ to play something you want to hear.

31. Long Island Iced Teas in general.

32. Coming home and passing out face-first with your clothes, makeup, and hair products still on. If you do, enjoy waking up looking like a leper that just came out from a decade-long stay underneath the Earth’s crust.