Your Twitter Timeline Probably
By Gaby Dunn
Some celebrity LOVES their new Coach bag and this is totally NOT a sponsored tweet they were paid a zillion gold coins for.
CNN posted a link about political uprisings in a country you’ve never heard of and now you feel stupid and bad.
Your high school friend with 25 followers is having brunch with her girls and posted a Lo-Fi Instagram photo of her French toast. “Yum! :)”
A comedian made a hilarious and timely joke about something that JUST happened so you know they saw it in the news and immediately rushed to be the first to zing it on Twitter and this is the world we live in now. You favorite it anyway.
Your friend who majored in marketing posts a link to an article about marketing and hashtags it #marketing.
Someone whose bio reads “social media intern” has 7 followers.
@Reddit requests an Ask Me Anything with Neil deGrasse Tyson…again.
A parody account posts something in all lowercase so it’s like, they don’t even care about twitter, you know?
Someone who desperately wants to be a comedian finally came up with the perfect joke for this thing that is unfortunately no longer relevant. Throw them a pity fave.
An NBA or NFL player posts a series of unintelligible symbols and emojis and then signs off with some version of their name and “babbyyyyy.”
Tom “Hanx” Hanks posts something awesome. Because he is flawless.
Buzzfeed has 25 Cats in Mustaches and 101 Pictures of Olympians in Bikinis YOU MUST SEE.
That person that always promotes their own stuff is promoting something they did! Donate to their Kickstarter! Check out their Facebook fanpage! Love them like their parents never did!
Your super political friend posted an article supporting Ron Paul, insinuating that Mitt Romney is a lizard person and that Obama is a lizard person…from Kenya.
A sitcom actress RTs someone who calls her “beautiful” and “talented.” But only to tell them to “reach for the stars <3.”
Your friend in a band has a show tonight at 8 at a local bar. No cover. All new songs! Please come.
Someone embarrassingly @replies a celebrity asking for a RT, you assume because they don’t know @replies are public. Otherwise…why??
Your friend who works in fashion LOVE LOVE LOVES the new line from Marc by Marc Jacobs and no they are not looking for freebies for saying so…but you know…
An attention-seeking, perpetually single nutbag friend “like, haaaates guys! Why are they so effin’ difficult? #dating #amirightladies #ugh.”
Your dad tweets directly at you but without an @reply so his timeline is just floating “haha”s and “remember to call nana 2morrow.”
Someone makes what you’re sure is a hilarious joke but the punchline is a Twitpic and there’s no way you’re loading that sh-t.
Someone @replying you seriously in response to a joke tweet you just made, or someone responding jokingly to a serious tweet. Are you people sociopaths?
A Tumblr link with no explanation of what it is.
The same person posts two identical tweets that are jokes except one tweet has a typo so they had to delete it and repost it without the typo but there’s a time lag between deleting the tweet and the new typo free tweet going up so both are next to each other in your feed.
A dude who lived on your floor freshman year is participating in a racist or sexist hashtag game. Oh joy.
A fan of the band One Direction is being super quiet and reasonable about their love for five prepubescent cherubs. Just kidding. It’s a madhouse on here! 1D forever! DIRECTIONERS never say DIE. Luv U Boys. xxx
Someone is livetweeting an old movie on TBS, clogging everyone’s timeline.
Someone whose bio reads “painter. dreamer. chef. dancer. writer. chef.” wants you to know she had a GREAT time at yoga this morning. #yoga #refreshing #namaste.
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Even as I write this now I am debating whether or not to erase it all together.
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