22. Sounds welcoming…
This is more funny than crazy, but I was arrested Halloween weekend last year. One guy passed out in the cell and another guy tea-bagged him and said, “Welcome to prison, mother fucker!”
23. Something to always remember if you ever end up in a Russian prison.
When you are first sent into a Russian cell, usually one of the alpha males will come up to you and ask you:
“Would you prefer loosing an eye or taking it up the ass?”
Clearly most people would prefer the ass rather then losing an eye. However it’s a trick question, you do not want to say you prefer taking it up the ass as that implies homosexuality. Being branded gay is not good for you in Russian prison.
In either cases you will probably take a severe beating unless you can fight a couple of them off you.
Got that advice from a eastern orthodox priest while drinking with him.
24. Apparently being sick in jail doesn’t matter.
I taught literacy in a prison (Not US or Europe). I went in one day…me (female) and 30 max guys. The duty guard was always asleep. No problem, as these guys were all great – I liked them and never once felt frightened. This day they were all really subdued. They lived eight guys to a cell (that was meant for one person originally) they rip out everything (bed, toilet, etc.) and give them one bucket to share and they are usually on 23-hour lock down. In the night, a guy was having a final bleed out from AIDS in the shared cell. They’d been banging on the door all night but the guards were not interested. In the morning, the guards realized this guy was ‘sick’ so they took him to the prison clinic in the prison ambulance. I had figured that this would be some beat up ancient old converted bus. It was actually a wheelbarrow. That was one of the bad times.
25. Hey, I remember you! From Maury!
Buddy is an ex con. Had stories about borrowing a shoe from a one legged man, watching a re-run of Maury with a guy who was featured on the show, and a fight breaking out over Tim Tebow. Wish I could remember them all.
