1. “Hit by a car.”

“I’m late because I was hit by a car on my way here.”

Poor kid didn’t say anything until I asked and then he showed me his road rash bleeding through his shirt.

I sent him home obviously.

2. “Brb, got stabbed.”

“I got stabbed and I can’t make it in today but I’ll be there tomorrow.”

This dude really got mugged and stabbed in the arm and still came into work the next day.

3. Apparently, he shit his pants.

Had an employee call me aside and flat out tell me “I don’t know what happened but I just shit my pants” I chose to believe him.

4. She said she was in labor. No one knew she was pregnant.

Larger lady at work called out because she just gave birth. She had worked there for 6+ years, really good friends with everyone, and told no one she was pregnant. I had worked with her for two years and there was no noticeable difference for any of us.

None of us believed it till she came to work with her 3-week-old son.

5. His house exploded?

Two back to back calls on our automated attendance line: “Uh, I’m not going to make it, um, my house … Blew up.”

The next call: “My fucking neighbor’s house fucking exploded, I gotta deal with this shit.”

The house did indeed explode.

6. Dude ate a laxative…

I can’t come in I ate a huge chocolate bar and it ended up being a laxative.

He did indeed eat a mega oh henry size chocolate laxative bar.

7. This is just bad karma.

I once had a woman call in sick one winter. She’d fallen in the snow and got a concussion from dog shit that frozen on the ground. This was later confirmed in her “fit note” from her doctor.

8. His grandparent died…for the 5th time.

Guy at work called in 5 times in 3 months to say a grandparent just died. Our manager looked back further an found out that he’d used that excuse 3 times before. The bosses had a big laugh at how stupid this schmuck was for not coming up with a new excuse and called him in with his shop steward.

He came to his disciplinary meeting armed with birth certificates, marriage certificates and obituaries. Turned out both his parents had remarried when he was little, so there’s 8 grandparents right there. His grandparents had also divorced and remarried a few times so he still had a few grandparents kicking around.

9. Bet this boss felt bad about scoffing at his employee’s headache.

I was the employee, but I’m sure he felt bad for doubting me.

My boss was always skeptical when someone would call in on Fridays or Mondays. Well, one Thursday night I had the most excruciating headache, which left me unable to sleep. Friday morning, after a horrible night, I called in and told my boss I wouldn’t be able to make it because of my horrible headache. He sighed disappointedly, and said “see you Monday.” After that call, I looked in the mirror, and noticed one of my eyes was crooked, and my vision was blurry. I drove myself to the hospital where they learned I had a pituitary tumor. He came to see me in the hospital after my surgery.

10. A call from the “EMT,” or the oldest trick in the book?

Girl who’d been with us maybe two days was supposed to show up at 8am. I get a call about 8:15. “Hi. Uh…is this the uh..manager? Well um…I’m John and um..uh..I’m an EMT and your employee has been in an accident and she uh…said to call you.” (The conversation was actually worse than this.) I’m thinking there’s no way this guy is an EMT. It’s her boyfriend and she’s making this up to get out of work. Nope. She totaled her car for real. She ended up being one of my best employees.

11. He needed $35 or else his meth dealer was going to kill him.

“I need a payday advance to cover the meth I’ve been using all weekend or my meth dealer will stab me with a hunting knife.”

After informing him he wasn’t eligible for a payday advance, he handed the phone to the dealer who confirmed plans to stab the guy if I didn’t authorize a $35 cash advance.

12. The employee died, but he’ll be back on Monday.

Got a call once that so and so would be out for about a month because they died. They’d be back in a month though…

Confused as hell…turns out she was in a car accident, had a collapsed lung, died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, but was resuscitated. Lo and behold she was back at work about a month later.

13. A tree fell on her car.

There was a big storm at my house in the country a couple of weeks ago, and a huge tree fell on my car. I had to call my supervisor to tell her I had no way of coming in because a tree fell on my car, but she just said, “Oh, ok.” So I think she thought it was a major lie. Showed her the photo when I got to work and she was astonished.

14. You do NOT want this guy as a manager.

This would be from the other side. My mom died and I had to phone her work to tell them. I called the store manager and when he picked up the phone I explained that I was Charlotte’s daughter. He was a complete dick to me and said in a really condescending rude tone of voice “oh! So she can’t phone me to tell me why she didn’t come to work yesterday?” I very quietly told him that no she couldn’t phone to explain herself, because she was dead. There was complete silence on the line. He sputtered something-and said HR would be in contact with me. I’m pretty sure that experience affected that man. I think about him every once in a while, and hope he learned a valuable lesson about not being a complete dick in certain situations.

15. If this is a lie, then this guy has a pretty elaborate imagination.

Co-worker calls in to tell the manager he can’t come into work because SWAT teams currently have his entire block locked down and are using his car as cover. He wasn’t exactly known for telling the truth, but he swore to it and told us there were TV cameras outside as well. Manager heads to break room, turns on local TV news, and there’s my co-worker’s apartment row flooded with police vans and SWAT teams getting ready to go pull a man wanted for murder out of the building adjacent to his, using cars (including his Toyota Corolla) as makeshift cover.

16. You’d have to be pretty heartless to doubt this story…

I couldn’t go into work because my stepfather had just been murdered by his mistress’ husband (he was cheating on my mom)(all 3 of them worked together) who also killed his wife and himself. Boss obviously thought I was full of shit until it was on the front page of the paper the next day, at which time I got a LOT of apologizing from management.

17. Granted, the kid wasn’t lying?

“I can’t come in because my dad hasn’t washed my uniform.”

He came in the next day with a note from his dad. He was 21. Then fired.

18. Employee was finally asking a girl out.

I had a really good, hard working employee. Always on time, picked up other shifts, great personality. The thing was, he was a “nice guy” — you know the guy who was always friend zoned and a little awkward around girls, so he very rarely got any dates.

One day he was scheduled to work with me in an hour. The phone rings, I answer and it’s him. He’s nervous but excited. Tells me he’s at a coffee shop and he had started talking to this really pretty girl and she was actually interested in hanging out with him! Asked if there was any way someone could cover his shift. I laughed a little, then realized he was serious. Fuck it, I told him to go out and have a great time and I would figure it out. I honestly thought the next time I saw him he would be all depressed because it didn’t work out.

Two days later I see him at work and he tells me they’re dating! He couldn’t stop talking about her the entire shift. For the next few months he worked for me, they were still together and had a great relationship. After he left the company I have no idea what happened, but I really hope it lasted.

19. “Not coming in until I take a shit.”

Kid called in saying he wasn’t coming in until he took a shit. He had been on and off the throne all day, no poop but had an overwhelming feeling of needing to. I told him that’s horseshit, either show up at work or go to the hospital and get a doctors note. He went to the hospital where they immediately took him to the OR to have his appendix out. Turns out it saved his life.

20. An employee with a whole catalog of excuses, or undiagnosed epilepsy?

I used to get sick a lot and recover quickly. My mom thought I was a hypochondriac. My manager once said I was the greatest actress.

Turns out I had undiagnosed epilepsy.

21. The classic shart-and-leave.

One day when I was at work with my dad, one of his employees walked in and said “I sharted” with a straight face. My dad just nodded and the man left.

22. His brother sold his backpack.

I once had to tell my teacher I couldn’t give her my homework because despite completing it, my brother decided to sell my backpack to his friend with my entire contents. She just laughed, said it was the best she’s ever heard, wasn’t expecting confirmation from my dad at a parent’s evening that it genuinely happened.

23. He was “abducted by aliens.”

Waiting for a guy to turn up for his shift, when I called him he said he’s been abducted by aliens, actual words “I’ve been abducted by aliens,” he talked like that sometimes so I thought nothing of it.

Explained to me that he’d found two illegal immigrants hiding in his truck and they’d abducted him for some reason or other.

Called police, they used GPS on his phone to find him.

24. “I would really love to be at work, I swear, it’s just that…my dogs are eating each other’s shit.”

A co-worker of mine called out at the help desk because her dogs were eating each other’s shit. She said she had to follow them around for a day sprinkling ground pepper on the feces so it would be too hot to eat.

25. The employee COULD have explained himself a little better.

“I can’t work Halloween because I have to take my 20-year-old sister trick or treating.” I thought this was ridiculous until I found out her little sister is mentally disabled and her parents refused to take her out.

26. Sadly, not a bullshit excuse.

Was asked to cover for a fellow manager because he was ” literally vomiting blood.” He had horrible attendance and I called BS as it was my first day off in 3 weeks. He sent me a picture message of a huge pile of red vomit. Turns out he had stomach cancer and didn’t know till that day. (He’s fine now btw)

27. Kind of impressive, to be honest.

“I superglued my eye shut.”

Turns out he got an itch while putting a model together. He was a nice guy, but not the brightest.

28. Either the worst morning ever, or a terrific excuse.

I had a staff come in late and tell me the cops were at their house all morning cause they woke up to 6 decapitated cats on their living room floor…well I’ll be damned!

29. A manager who, for all intents and purposes, is missing a soul.

One of my friends from high school died very suddenly and the managers where I worked at the time told me I had to bring her funeral program as proof I went or I would be fired. I did, and they were so visibly pissed off that I wasn’t lying. Soulless bastards. I quit that place a week later.

30. What — he couldn’t make it in!

I get a phone call “Hi, this is So and So’s girlfriend.. So and So will not be making it into work for a few days” (this was on a Friday, and he worked Saturday/Sunday).

Naturally, I explain that this individual has to call in, and she responds in a very somber voice “he…won’t be able to make it in…” and the conversation leaves at that. We begin speaking back and forth and I eventually get frustrated, especially since so and so is in management as well.

As a worried Manager, I begin looking and calling around to all the hospitals in the city to make sure he wasn’t transported for anything major. I eventually check one last registry… The detention center. He got arrested for a DUI on a Friday and wouldn’t see a judge until Monday.

31. The ol’ emergency testicle removal excuse.

I had an employee call up and say he just had an emergency procedure to have his testicle removed.

“Do you want picture proof?”
“No.”

He sent pictures anyway. Fuck you George.

32. At least he was honest…?

I was a TA during grad school, and once asked my professor what his best excuse was:

Guy stopped coming to class for roughly 3-4 weeks and missed a lot of homework. Once he came back, he asked for an extension on all of the work he’d missed. He’d gone on a three-state meth bender and wound up in jail for three weeks. Actually turned out to be real. If I remember right, he gave the guy an extension, but he did not pass anyway.

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