My flat mate grew up on a farm and was told by her parents that their TV only worked when it rained. She believed this for far, far too long…
Living on the West Coast, my friend would show the East Coast feed of the NYE count down to her kiddos. They were always in bed by nine. Brilliant.
“Don’t touch that. It’ll turn into spiders.”
As a kid I lost a tooth, put it in a plastic bag, slid it under my pillow, then went to bed early so the tooth fairy could come. When my parents forgot to put money under my pillow my dad said “You shouldn’t have put the tooth in a bag. The tooth fairy couldn’t smell it.”
I told one to my nieces. I told them that they had to hold an adults hand when they were crossing the road or else the police will come and arrest them and they’d be put in jail.
The oldest one then tried to run across the road by herself, but just as the got to the edge of the road, a cop car came around the corner and she ran back to me crying and saying she’d never do it again and begged me not to let them take her to jail.
Coconuts are bear eggs.
My mom told my sister that they only named hurricanes after girls otherwise they would be himicanes.
8. Cat lies.
A woman came in to the shop where I work and her granddaughter was crying. On the shelf next to where they were stood was cat litter and one brand had a picture of sleeping cat on the packaging. Woman says to the child “If you don’t stop crying you’re going to wake up that cat.” Granddaughter immediately stopped crying.
I was at the mall the other day and this woman’s little girl kept wandering away from her. Then some old lady went up to the little girl and told her that there were people that lived in secret rooms in the mall that would snatch little kids up and put needles in their heads. Little girl’s mom was NOT amused.
My mom told my brother and I that a penguin lived behind the fridge, and if we left the door open too long we’d steal his cold and he’d get mad and come out and bite us. It worked on my brother. I asked my mom to move the fridge so I could pet the penguin.
My dad, sister (3) and I (6) were making Christmas cookies when I specifically remember my dad making an odd shaped one. When we asked what it was, he said it was “A dragonfly without wings.”
Fast forward to about 2 years ago when I find an old VHS tape, pop it in the VCR and it’s that very moment. My mom had recorded it. And it was then that I realized my dad had made a penis.
That Santa uses Christmas trees as spy beacons to make sure children aren’t being naughty. There was a tree in each of the kids’ rooms until the youngest was 13 or 14.
13. The boogie man.
“If you wander off, the boogie man will kill you and make sausage out of you.”
My grandmother, to me. Couldn’t eat sausage until I was 13 and realized that there was no way that was true.
Oh no this isn’t Cola it’s black water you wouldn’t like it.
Grandpa told me that there’s a tube connecting my bellybutton to my butt, and that if I unscrew my bellybutton my butt will fall off.
16. The kitten lie.
At the store I work at, heard this from a parent to their child. “Every time you touch something, a kitten dies.”
When my ex-girlfriend was a kid, she had misbehaved and her dad told her he was, “only going to buy her one boob when she grew up.”
I was told that if a centipede counted my teeth I would die. To this day, I close my mouth when I see a centipede. I’m over 40 years old.
“That’s not juice, it’s camels blood” my sister’s attempt at averting her kids attention from the expensive pomegranate juice.
Like a lot of little kids, I thought there were monsters under my bed. So, every night I’d run to my parent’s room and wake them up to check for monsters. After about a month or so of this, my father sat me down and was like, “Look, there are monsters under the bed. You’re right. But, they can only get you when you’re out of bed. So, stay in bed and you’re safe.” I’m sure he thought he’d be sleeping through the night in no time.
Dragonflies are called sewer bugs and they sew your mouth shut when you lie.
My father always said the animals on the side of the road were just taking a nap since the road was warm.
My grandma told us that smelling each other’s farts would make us stronger. Worst Christmas ever for us, funniest Christmas for her.
I work at a pet store, there’s a lady who comes in every so often for a new betta fish, always a different color for her kids. Instead of trying to match the exact color and size of the fish so they don’t know it died, she told them it’s a “Rainbow Fish.”
So not only are they not upset over a dead fish, they’re excited every time the fish “changes color.”
When I was younger, my parents told me that if I pressed the little “reset” button on the power outlets, the house would explode. I was a very paranoid child after that.
My kids have no concept of what coal is, so telling them Santa would leave it in their stocking was more work than it was worth. Instead I told them if they were naughty, Santa would let the reindeer poop in there.
As a child my father convinced me that our Italian last name literally translated to “of Caesar” and that we were direct descendants of the rulers of Rome. I felt like such a badass until I started taking Latin classes in middle school and realized what a joke it was.
I told my kids if they didn’t behave in the drive thru they’d get a Sad Meal. That’s a hamburger and a spanking.
My mother told me that Pears were Space Apples. She told all of my siblings this, and it always worked.
I have, by logical discussion, convinced both my neighbor’s girls that my big white fluffy dog is a polar bear. Among other things.
A mother discovered the mice at the pet store I worked at were eating each other. I quickly removed the dead mouse. The mother was calming her 5-year-old child saying “She’s going to take him into a quiet room and make him feel better.” The mouse clearly had half its skull eaten out.
Dad convinced us he had a special button to change red lights to green. Literally didn’t realize he was bullshitting until I was 12.
No matter how fast you run the automatic door will open before you get to it.
My mom’s friend got tired of her kids eating her scallops when they went to restaurants, so she told them that scallops are dolphin balls.
When I go on a date, I tell my daughter I’m going to the monster battles. I fight the monsters that scare her.