The Main Reason You Don’t Have The Things You Want Is Because You’re Villainizing The People That DO

unamused woman seen through the window
God & Man

If you can’t figure out why you don’t have what you want in life, ask yourself how you think and speak about the people who do have them.

A lot of people who want to be free of anxiety simultaneously think that super-positive and relaxed people are unmotivated and less successful. Some people who want to be in better shape also assume those who take care of their bodies are either genetically gifted or just “shallow.” Some people who want more money also believe that rich people are evil or privileged. Some people who want to be more successful seek out the flaws in those who are accomplished to humanize them.

But what happens is that they start to associate anxiety with being safe and responsible.

They start to associate being attractive with being soulless.

They start to associate being financially abundant with being morally corrupt.

They start to associate being successful with being picked on, or disliked.

Sometimes, these stereotypes are true. Often, they are not. They are usually just projections. They are coping mechanisms that, over time, become comfort zones. They give us an illusion of safety. Maybe I’m not as successful as that person… but I also don’t have to endure the same kind of criticism. 

If you want to change some part of your life, change the way you speak about other people who are already there.

Notice that people can be relaxed and also responsible. Notice that they can keep themselves healthy and in shape and not assume it makes them better than anyone else. Notice that there are tons of people in the world who do make more than enough money and are still happy and giving and kind. Notice that there are successful people who are well-liked and respected.

As long as you are villainizing the things that you want, you’ll never have them.

Jealousy is not what happens when we covet other people’s achievements, it’s what happens when we deny ourselves what other people will simply allow. TC mark

Brianna Wiest

My new book on self-sabotage is out now.

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