There exists a very particular breed of human in the world, one that merges the qualities of near apathetic lethargy and a manic desire to achieve. I don’t know how they exist, I don’t know what had to go askew to create such deep conundrums out of people, but I do know that they possess the exact set of traits that somehow also make them most successful: their laziness lends itself to their drive to innovate and make life easier and better for themselves.
Yet, nobody really knows the reality of which these people live: they dust their laziness under the rug or don’t have the energy to self-promote their success… so you never really know where they’re at. You probably might not even know if you’re one of them, but fear not, as I am here to help you self-diagnose and tell you all the weird things that happen when you’re, somehow, both extremely lazy (and yet very overdriven) all at the same time.
1. You’re either doing everything, or you’re doing nothing at all. There is no in-between. You’re working 14 hour days and meal prepping organic, vegan dishes for you and your coworkers and planning your latest lifestyle reinvention or you’re laying in bed watching Netflix not moving for a week. No matter what it is, you epitomize the “all or nothing” “A-Z” personality (for better and for horribly worse.)
2. Despite your lifestyle of extremes, you’re actually very balanced. At the end of the day, you’re proportionate in your exertion of energy and not.
3. You’re incredibly indecisive, and the things you’re usually choosing between are what’s best and what’s easy. You always find yourself caught between the more expensive item you really want, and the more affordable one you know it would be smarter to choose. Caught between wanting to work more and make your product perfect and knowing you need time to recoup and relax. It’s always a matter of what’s best vs. what’s easy, and it’s a war you’ll be fighting within yourself until you create your own middle ground.
4. Most of your success can be attributed to having big goals and dreams and absolutely none of the energy to execute them. You end up finding better, easier, faster ways… starting companies and becoming your own boss. Thinking outside the box, for lack of a less cliché term.
5. You abhor the concept of how things “should be.” You couldn’t live a “normal” life if you tried. You have no desire to follow the pre-determined form and see right through existing structures and methods, and all the ways they’re terribly inept and unnecessary. It’s in your intolerability of “what’s supposed to be” that you innovate your own life (and ideas for other people as well…)
6. You were an okay student… that somehow evolved into a miraculously ‘intelligent’ adult. You just didn’t take any interest in devoting your time, energy or brain space to things you didn’t feel would serve you. But when something does appear to serve you … you become obsessively interested. You’re an expert in the field within a month.
7. You’re either throwing out everything you own or desperately clinging to an idea from five years ago… you have no “in between” when it comes to your ability to let go… of anything. You either feel things have no purpose or every purpose in the world. There is no calm, casual “I like this, I’ll keep it.” No. You must be obsessed with it or it is not allowed in your space.
8. You’re either dressed to the nines or you haven’t changed your sweatpants in days. When you deem it appropriate, you know how to craft yourself into an avatar of stylish, fashionable, groomed, suave perfection; but the rest of the time? You wear leggings. And postpone any clothes with structure for as long as you can manage.
9. You don’t “date.” You either get into a relationship where you know that you’re putting your time and energy into something that will ultimately pay off or end in a serious commitment… or you’re just not going to bother. “Dating” just seems like the biggest waste of time. (Not arguing that you’re rational, but you know, there’s no swaying you regardless.)
10. You have one, very close best friend… and that’s basically it. You desire a deep sense of belonging and love but don’t in any way have the desire or energy to keep up with a large group of people in any kind of not-shallow-bullshit-see-you-once-a-month-and-call-it-friendship way.
11. You make daily “to do” lists about two dozen items long and only ever seem to accomplish about 1/4 of them before giving up in favor of just… sitting around. It’s as though just the idea of all the things you could and should do satisfies you enough.
12. You epitomize being a “big idea” person. You can craft a concept in your mind of what the ideal outcome would look like… even formulate methods and ideas and game plans and blue prints… but you’re not going to execute them beyond the parts that seem effortless. Yeah. That’s what other people are for…
13. You’re extraordinarily introspective, if there’s anything you’re not lazy about… it’s that. You want to know what’s going to be best for you, and you know that the route to the life you want to live is by your own personal development, and by making choices based on knowing of who you truly are. So you’re a regular in the “self-help” section, constantly taking time to just sit, reflect and adjust little things in your life, and generally being increasingly self-aware, as you know that to be the way to an easier (less-effort-required) lifestyle.
14. You idealize minimalism and simplicity yet lack the self-control to execute them in any legitimate way. (But you try.)
15. You’re either overhauling everything you own, scrubbing your floors with a toothbrush, or you can’t even be so bothered as to clean up your shopping bag on the floor from two weeks ago. You want to live the idea of a “whole new lifestyle” but don’t actually execute it beyond a day’s worth of effort or so.
16. Ultimately, your only “goals” culminate into: how can I live the most effortless life possible? You want to be happy. You want to be stable and content and feel purpose every day… but only so long as those things come easily. So long as those things ultimately mean the ways you don’t have to work as much or try as hard. You’re willing to sacrifice now for what you could reap the benefits of later.
17. You only do things that don’t actually feel like hard work, no matter how much other people would perceive them to be. That’s really the biggest secret behind your success: you live a life that adheres to your passions and desires because you sincerely lack the ability to do anything else. You either have intense flow or complete disinterest. At the end of the day… it works in your favor regardless.