1. I am a patriot and a global citizen. I will not leave my house to protect myself and others. But most importantly, my cat.
2. I need to Google my cat’s risk of getting COVID-19.
3. Oh, phew. It seems he’ll be fine.
4. I’ll only buy a reasonable amount of groceries. Four bottles of wine is reasonable, right? Let’s make it five to be safe.
5. Where is all the toilet paper? I’m a bottom. I need it more than you.
6. Did that woman just sneeze?
7. Sir, please stop feeling up EVERY avocado.
8. I guess it’s time to order all those video games in my cart.
9. Now, which imaginary world will I immerse myself in to escape our collective dread?
10. Fallout 4 was a stressful choice.
11. At least there’s no social distancing in Grand Theft Auto.
12. People in my building are hanging out together on the stoop. It’s six feet apart, you monsters! Make room for XXL Jesus!
13. Oh my god, America. Can we not be racist about one thing?
14. These damn spring breakers are going to kill us all. Where are their mothers?
15. I should really clean my floors.
16. Did I put on deodorant today?
17. I really regret making my Skype name when I was 18. I shouldn’t have to explain this to my new adult friends.
18. If I read one more article about self-care, it’ll definitely stick this time.
19. Am I always this emotional when watching animated shows meant for children?
20. I abdicate the throne and name my cat emPURor of our apartment. Long may he reign.
21. I ate all of my snacks. This must be almost over. Oh, fuck.
22. Elastic waists are all I know now. I cannot go back to denim.
23. Does my throat always feel like this? I can’t tell if my lymph nodes are swollen. I should touch my neck more to know what they usually feel like. Wait! I can’t touch my face. Is my neck okay to touch? I’m doomed.
24. I’m going to put together my post-apocalypse outfit. It’ll serve homeless supervillain realness.
25. Five bottles wasn’t enough.