I do not mean for you to take your own hand to your skin. I do not mean for you to crush your bones under the stress of life, or leap from ledges like a bird in flight.
No, when I say “kill yourself” I want you to hear:
Kill your parents. Slay the expectations they implanted within you, choke the traditions they noosed to your spine. Kill your father, and all of the seeds he planted under your skin, the ones that have grown into the kinds of flowers that draw blood from caring hands until they are no longer trusted. Kill his silence, until it screams like never before, until from its white noise you hear words of love like a foreign language.
Kill your addictions. The ones that hold you down in a pool of self-loathing, the ones that often cause you to question your worth and your purpose. It may feel like they have their fingers wrapped tightly around your throat, but I promise you that they are not as strong as the mind when it is ready to live on its own.
Kill your ego. Assassinate the voice inside of your soul that begs you to stay small, the bellowing uproar that fills your bones when you dare to go against the status quo. Destroy the what ifs, the doubts, the ‘I ams,’ the ‘I’m nots.’ the devil on your shoulder that has robbed you of your tenderness, the hell within your pride that has stopped you from saying so much, its the same kind that let her get away, the same kind that took the words you never allowed yourself to say. The things you never allowed yourself to feel, because you were to proud, too scared, because it made you too comfortable to care, to fight, to change, because it allowed for fear to speak into your brain, words that made you feel too ugly, too shy, too incomplete, too forward, too unworthy.
How much have you lost? What is the cost of keeping all of that alive? Is it worth it? The ego, the compulsions, the paternities, the conducts, the brainwashed version of yourself that has been fed to you on silver spoons by people who are just as damaged. Drown it all within your depths, until it is suffocating and broken, until it is no longer threaded to your veins like vermin that feeds off of the heart you nurture within your ribcage.
Can you feel that? The weightlessness? The kind of lightness that comes with rebirth, the kind of clarity that courses through you when you realize that you can be anything you want to be. You are not your father; your mother. You are not your addictions and your pride. You are not your past, your third grade disappointments, your baggage. You are not your breakups, your breakdowns, your dark nights, or your failures. You are not the broken people you were born to, you are not the product of being used, or the sadness you diffuse, the years of abuse you have put yourself through.
So kill it all, and introduce yourself to yourself. Introduce yourself to your heart, the only remaining thing within your soul that beats solely for something bigger than itself, the only thing within your core that represents the real you.