There is not a day that goes by where I do not think about the way things ended between us. I replay our last conversations over and over and over again in my head.
It’s two years later, and I am still trying to make sense of it all.
We both knew what we were in for before we began, but some days, I wonder if we actually did. We knew that what we had could not be permanent, but why did we think that fact could ever change the way we felt? I thought that for once, knowing that someone was ultimately going to leave would make the leaving easier. I thought that the emotions would not run as deeply and that I would be able to leave you just as quickly as you came into my life.
I don’t know why I ever thought that this would be easy.
The loss of someone or something important to you will never be easy. Even if you can see the end coming, nothing can truly prepare you for its brutal impact. You can only be so prepared for something so volatile. We always knew that what we had would have to end, but I do not think either of us ever thought that it would end the way that it did.
I have gone back and forth between cursing myself for expecting so much and cursing you for giving me so little. Sometimes in my head, I am the villain. I am the reason for all of our problems. I am the reason you left. And then, there are moments when I think about how easy it all could have been if you would have just been honest with me from the beginning. Instead of trying to hide the fact that you met someone else, you could have just told me and saved us both from this heartbreak.
But ultimately, can you really blame either of us?
We were just two people desperately trying to navigate an almost that we wished could have been definite. We were just two people who cared so much for each other that we were too afraid to do anything to hurt the other person. We were just two people trying to love.
It’s two years later, and I think I am finally ready to admit that we both deserved better.
Neither of us were completely honest with each other. I did not know the depth of the relationships you created while you were abroad, and you did not know the true depth of my feelings for you. I admit now that I should have just been honest and told you sooner about how much you really meant to me, rather than just assuming you already knew. I should have told you how much I missed you and how afraid I was for you to leave. I should have told you how afraid I was that you would forget me.
And you, you should have told me about her. You should have told me that you met someone. You should have told me that she wasn’t just someone; she was the place you left your heart before returning home to me.
We both deserved to know the truth. If you would have known how I actually felt about our relationship only being an almost, we could have ended it before we both became more attached. If I would have known that you had met someone else, I would have put an end to everything between us before we were both in too deep. If we both would have just been more honest, maybe we could still be friends right now. Maybe I could believe in the possibility of our future, rather than just dream of it.
We both deserved to have a real conversation about what happened between us. You did not deserve my jealous anger or anxiety, and I did not deserve your lies. If the situation wasn’t fine, then why did you have to tell me that it was? We are both adults, and we are both capable of having a serious conversation. And yet, all we did was run from the truth.
I was so afraid to tell you how I really felt and risk losing the little time I had left to spend with you. I thought that if I played cool and casual, I could actually be those things. I was so, so wrong. Your words, “I wish you would have told me sooner,” play on repeat in my head, over and over and over again. If I would have told you sooner, would things have actually been any different between us? Could they have been any different? Or would we have ended right then and there, just as abruptly as we began?
I will never know the answers to any of those questions, and I am trying so hard to make peace with that fact. I will never know the exact reason why you blocked me, and maybe it is better that way. Maybe it is better to just let our love be a lesson to do better next time.
We both deserve it.