Whenever the question variation of, “are you okay?” or “what’s wrong?” comes up, I always reply with, “Nothing, I’m okay.”
Because even if I’m not feeling “okay” I blame it in a moment of weakness, I tell myself I’ll be okay in the end. I tell myself that I’ll be fine. I tell myself that there is really no reason for me to be upset. I tell myself that I’ve got no real problems and that by telling others my ‘problems’ I would just be burdening people with things that are irrelevant and that they don’t care about.
I get upset for no reason at all.
It’s like a wave of sadness that comes crashing down right on top of me. Pulling me under the current so I can barely reach the surface to gasp for air.
It feels like I’m downing in self-pity and wallowing away feeling sorry for myself. I feel pathetic.
I hate feeling like I’m complaining about my life because I’ve got a pretty good life, so I suck it up. I tell myself to get my shit together and be a better person. I tell myself that there is nothing worth getting upset over.
I tell myself that guy was a dickhead, I tell myself he didn’t deserve my time, I tell myself he wasn’t the right person because the right person wouldn’t have just left. I tell myself that the reason I feel like shit is because of my own decisions. I tell myself that in order to be better I have to work on improving myself. I give myself constant pep talks, I tell myself that I’ll be okay I just need to work harder on being better.
I wrap up my emotions, my thoughts; I’ll pour my heart out on a piece of paper.
I’ll type until my fingers are throbbing from smashing against my keyboard, but I’ll never say the words, “no, I’m not okay” because I want to consider myself stronger than that.
I don’t want to be a burden on people because I’m sure they honestly don’t care how I’m doing. I know that it’s just a gesture, a nice and polite way to start a conversation when someone walks by.
I just keep to myself, I just beat myself up between my own two ears because to me that is easier. That is the way I operate. I’m not saying it’s healthy and I’m not saying it’s good, but it’s what I do. I let everything build, I let everything accumulate while I still pretend it isn’t there. I pretend things don’t bother me because I don’t want to ruin someone else’s happiness or good mood. I don’t want to take away from the joy of their day by bitching about mine.
So, I’ll just smile and sit there. I’ll tell you everything is okay because I know that is what you want to hear. That is what everyone wants to hear. Everyone wants to think the world is flawless and no one actually gives a genuine shit about other people’s problems because we’ve all got our own to deal with.
I want to pour my heart out about everything that’s wrong, but I won’t, don’t worry I don’t want to burden you. So yes, everything is okay.