Katy Perry Says John Mayer Is The Best Sex She’s Had And I’m Zero Percent Surprised

2017 will forever be remembered as the year of pure political fear.

But also the year I fully accepted my crush on John Mayer!!!

(a live look at me diving into my feelings)

For a very long time, I held tightly to the “JOHN MAYER IS AN ASSHOLE” narrative. I refused to look at his face. His beautiful, large, perfect face…

No, no! I wouldn’t give in. I’d stand strong in my decision.

A foolish move on my part because, let’s be real, the heart wants what it wants.

I found myself thinking about him all the time. Even my dreams started getting a little sweaty, which is surprising considering my libido took a serious nosedive after the November election. I was spending my free time scrolling through John’s Twitter giggling like a lovestruck teen.

Off to NYC to play with THE TRIO on Thursday night at the Apollo Theatre in support of @jazzfoundationofamerica. It's been years since we've taken the stage together and I can't wait to make that sound that can only be made with Steve and Pino.

A post shared by johnmayer (@johnmayer) on Oct 25, 2016 at 12:43pm PDT

I wondered if he’d ever think my body is a wonderland.

I began discussing these newfound feelings with my co-worker and soul friend, Chrissy Stockton. She validated these urges because she has them too! Our favorite fantasies involve moving to Montana and doing a sister-wife situation. Mostly so we can take turns walking John’s dog, Moose.

Moose looks like he's about to fly to Miami to DJ at a club opening. I don't mind it because he's a very good boy. (I'm not saying he wouldn't be up for a set or two, but he's focusing more on production these days and also he keeps scratching the records to hell and knocks the laptop off its stand pretty much every time.)

A post shared by johnmayer (@johnmayer) on May 23, 2017 at 9:41am PDT

In the weirdest PR stunt ever, John’s ex, Katy Perry, broadcast herself for a 96-hour live stream called Katy Perry Live: Witness World Wide to promote her new album.

In one section, Perry is joined by James Corden and asked to rate three of her past lovers: Diplo, Orlando Bloom, and MY MAN John Mayer.

Mayer is ranked as number one and I am, in a word, thirsty.

If you need me, I’ll be in Montana.