Listen, they don’t call me the Love Guru for nothing, okay? (K, nobody calls me that) I’ve spent years crafting the perfect guide to seduction and I feel it only fair to share with my internet family. So please, allow me to help you get laid the only way I know how: through words. Mmmmm, WORDS ARE SEXY!
1. Listen, anyone can say something like, “Oh, I’m so wet right now.” That’s for amateurs! Instead, lean in and whisper seductively, “Is this Sea World?” Be sure to really drag it out though. Seaaaaaa Worrrlddddd.
2. When someone asks you, “What do you want?” make sure you take at least 30 minutes to an hour before you respond because that’s a very thoughtful question.
3. It’s scientifically proven that nobody can resist a Steve Carell impression (à la Gru from Despicable Me). So please use this to your advantage. Bust out that vaguely Eastern European accent and watch the magic unfold. *this right here’s a panty dropppaaaaa*
4. Mention your ex as soon as you get naked because this makes you seem COOL and CONFIDENT!!!!
5. Sexting before the actual SEXING gets started? Perfect. Message your boothang, “I can’t wait to see you tonight *wink emoji*” followed by this photo. It will tantalize them.
6. Always be vocal about what you enjoy! “YOGA! READING BOOKS. YES YES YES! I LOVE FROZEN YOGURT!!!!!”
7. Eye contact can be so sensual during dirty talk. But you know what else is sensual? Preordering the new romance novel from Bachelor host Chris Harrison. MMMMMM.
8. Dick. Cock. Pussy. Kitty. NO — ALL OVERDONE. TOO MAINSTREAM. Penis = eggplant. Vagina = cookie monster. You’re welcome.
9. People claim “I want you” is one of the sexiest things to hear. NOT TRUE. Put on the original Muppets movie! That song Kermit and Fozzie Bear sing together in the car? SO HAWT.
10. Recite your grocery list in a very deep voice.
11. Recite your grocery list again, but this time do it like Nicki Minaj would. With those monster type voices and occasionally throw in a “YOOOOOO!”
12. Tell them nobody fucking parallel parks quite like they do. INSTANT BONER.
13. Interrupt the fun to quickly call your mom back. This isn’t exactly dirty talk, but it shows how caring and thoughtful you are. And that’s supaaaaa sexy!!!
14. Just cry. No explanation needed.
15. Seriously. Cry.
16. Are you crying though? Because tears act as a natural aphrodisiac. Kind of like lobster.
17. Say, “I love you, Ryan.” Doesn’t really matter if his/her name is Ryan. It’ll work.
18. Do a dramatic reading of 50 Shades Of Grey, but in a chipmunk voice to really heighten the sexual tension.
19. Repeat after me: “I love having sex with you.” But don’t say this to your partner. Say this to your hand. You wanna play hard to get, okay?
20. Look them in the eyes and sweetly say, “You look like my cousin.”
21. Say, “watch this!” and start making out with your hand in front of them.
22. Slip your hand the tongue. It shows what you can do.
23. Refer to yourself in the third person. And then just start calling yourself Mama. If they seem into it, immediately switch and call yourself Daddy. KEEP THEM GUESSING!
24. Ask if you can play Fifth Harmony while you hook up.
25. Sing Oliva Newton John’s “Physical” the entire time you hook up. Don’t stop. Don’t. Stop….Unless they tell you to stop because you should always respect what makes your partner comfortable, ok? Chill. 
