Alex and I started dating during our sophomore year of college, and it was one of the best relationships I’d ever been in. We would stay up late talking about absolutely everything from analyzing our favorite cartoons from the 90s, to the cities we imagined setting our roots down in one day. We’d touch each other, then discuss our favorite novels. He made me feel safe, while simultaneously pushed me to step outside of my comfort zone. It was the first time I really felt like I was with someone who understood me, but also encouraged me to try new things. I was so fully enamored.
We had amazing sex right away. Absolutely mind-blowing type sex. I was actually kind of intimidated by just how sexual he was to start with. I was used to being the dominant ones in my sexual relationships, but he immediately took control. He was confident and wouldn’t just whisper the dirty things he wanted to do to me, he’d announce them with ease. He’d greet me, kiss my forehead, and then say something like, “All day at my internship I imagined fucking you in the elevator of my apartment building.” I was incredibly turned on by his self-assuredness, and enjoying this new role reversal. It wasn’t unusual to have sex 3-4 times in one night. I was sore, satisfied, and feeling wildly infatuated with all of him.
But as my initial excitement wore off, I started to realize what I thought was just an insane attraction to me was actually an addiction Alex had been battling for quite some time. I was dating a real sex addict.
He started to need situations constantly amped up and our sex heightened to get off. He wanted me to become more and more like a porn-star, speak to him in filthy ways, hook up in dangerous places. And I was game for it, because I had genuinely fallen in love with him. I wanted to fulfill his sexual needs, even when it became somewhat of a full-time job. I even agreed to multiple threesomes because I figured if I convinced myself I was okay with this sort of thing, it would keep him from actually seeking sex with someone outside of our relationship.
I honestly thought it was all under control, until today when I discovered his journal. I know this is an invasion of privacy, but you have to understand how tempting it is to innocently stumble upon something that would allow a greater look into the mind of this man I so badly want to make things work with. Maybe I still do. I am still trying to comprehend what I just read and what it all means.
I opened up his journal, and was pleasantly surprised to see so much written about me. It was poetic and beautiful, descriptions of the way my back arches when I’m on top of him. He talked about the way I taste, that it’s something he looks forward to all day. I was feeling flattered and excited that maybe I truly was all he craved. But then, I kept reading.
There I saw pages upon pages with names of women and descriptions of what he plans to do to them. Some pages even had photos of girls cut out and glued on the paper. I saw names I recognized: my best friend, my roommate, my sister, his TA from spring quarter, etc. I tried to rationalize this, many people have fantasies and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s not as if I haven’t thought of being with other people, so could I really fault him? But then I started to notice check marks next to names. Dozens of check marks. Hundreds of check marks. It felt like someone had pulled my heart up through my throat and smashed it right in front of me.
I saw phrases he had used on me. I read words I thought had somehow been special to our relationship. How am I supposed to look my roommate in the eyes knowing my boyfriend has meticulously planned out what he wants to do to her? How am I supposed to move forward with someone who so clearly has a problem bigger than anything I am prepared to deal with? I am at a loss of what to do, do I stay and pretend I have no idea this other side to him? Should I confront him and risk losing everything we’ve created?
I have never felt so cheated and used, and yet, I think about life without him and it shatters me. I think I have finally realized what this all is: He is addicted to sex, and I am addicted to him.