1. Stay In Shape – “We want to be aroused by seeing you naked.”
2. Lay Off The Body Modification – “Men gravitate to natural hair color, tasteful and coverable tattoos (if any at all), and piercings that are not out of control and all over the place.”
3. Make Your Own Money – “Make your own money so you won’t drain him, but if you make more than him, don’t throw it in his face.”
4. Be Feminine – “Men want to date WOMEN, not men with vaginas.”
5. Be Submissive – “Personally I think feminism has turned relationships that are supposed to be loving into their own little battlefields.”
6. Sex Life – “Men want a woman with a healthy sex drive with few past sexual partners. Life’s not fair. Get used to it.”
7. Be Intelligent – “No man wants a woman that cannot flex her mental muscles.”
Oh, the first decent thing you say.
8. Be Childfree – “Men don’t want instant families…This goes double if you have multiple children and/or if your children are biracial.”
You’re racist. Fuck you.
9. Be Willing To Cook At Least Three Times A Week – “I wish I knew where things had taken a turn for the worst in terms of women’s progress, but apparently the domestic ability of being able to feed yourself without ordering takeout or putting some TV dinner in the microwave has fallen by the wayside.”
Fuck you. Maybe if you didn’t demand that we make our own money working full-time jobs we’d have time to grovel at your goddamn feet and cook for you, you piece-of-shit mama’s boy.
10. Put Down the Phone – “We get it, your selfie just got 40 likes on Facebook/Instagram…Perhaps you should unplug from the matrix long enough to realize that there is a living breathing person in close proximity trying to interact with you.”
Okay fine, so this is something I’m working on. But FUCK YOU if you think I’m trying to work on it to “attract men.” I’m working on it because I’m trying to be a decent fucking human being.
11. Ease Up On The Make Up – “The less the better.”
Yeah okay you fuckwad, I’m sure you’re also the asshole that would say I looked tired and exhausted if I didn’t put on makeup. Fuck you.
12. Stop Cussing – “If you think you are such a fucking lady, you had damn well better act like it for once.”
HA HA HA HA HA FUUUUUCKKKKKK YOUUUU YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE COCK-SUCKER.
13. Stop Hoarding Guy Friends – “9 out of 10 of your guy friends just want to sleep with you anyway.”
Fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck you.