Lately, I have become embroiled in a series of debates with friends about the delicate subject of body hair and shaving etiquette. My aversion to body hair perhaps started in high school, when my boyfriend at the time was impeccably groomed (and later turned out to be gay). Now, the sight of ass hair (“crack hair” as I call it) or a jungle around a guy’s junk is enough to make me want to vomit. Recently, I became so repulsed by a guy’s chest, back, and pube hair that I was forced to end our makeout sesh early. I made up an excuse and sprinted out of there, cringing at the offensive mane that had taken over his body. I tried to forget about it and give him another chance, but unfortunately, some things can’t be unseen. We later had an awkward conversation about shaving and he insisted he would start, but it didn’t matter at that point – I had already lost any attraction I felt towards him.
It’s not that I’m not into guys. It’s not that I want my guys to look feminine. In fact, I love a little scruff around a guy’s chin when he hasn’t shaved for a couple of days. I obviously appreciate a good head of hair, eyelashes and eyebrows. I just wish all the other hair on a guy’s body didn’t exist. The only reason we humans have hair is because in the caveman days, our bodies used it to keep warm. But now, with inventions like coats and gas fireplaces and space heaters, it is hardly necessary. Are you a dog? Are you an ape? No, you’re a human, so shave off your unsightly hair. You don’t need it for anything – think about the kind of shit that grows in hair. Lice, crabs, bacteria. Armpit hair basically consists of a tangled cesspool of bacteria, crusty deodorant, and sweat. Crack hair is the same way, think about all of the germs that congregate in there and just SIT THERE probably for months, since do you know any guys who use soap in their ass cheeks when they shower?? Nope. “Back, crack and sack” waxing should be standard for ALL guys, in my opinion. Waxing is not just for girls and gays anymore.
I also just want to mention the ridiculous double standard in our society when it comes to body hair. Women are expected to shave or wax EVERYWHERE. It’s expensive, time consuming, and can be painful. Society shows pictures of hairless females on TV, in magazines, in fashion and even in porn, so the pressure is definitely on to mimic those ideals. I’m not mad about this, because for hygienic reasons, obviously women should be shaving too. I think body hair on women is just as disgusting as it is on men. My point is that shaving expectations for men and women should be equal. Male models and actors are also shown without hair, so I don’t understand why guys in the real world aren’t expected to make the effort as well. Newsflash guys, don’t think this doesn’t apply to you. There is nothing worse than hooking up with a guy who has a beard in his pants – that shit sheds, FYI– or a guy who looks like he has a bath mat on his back, or a guy who has hair sprouting out of his ass. It’s kind of hard to not notice that shit.
So guys, please do all of us girls a favor and realize that your body hair does not make you manly. It does not make you rugged or sexy or anything good that you think it makes you. It is, in fact, ugly and unhygienic, and I’m so over being embarrassed to talk to guys about it. I’m starting a body hair revolution.