Ass Hairs: I Have a Problem

Feb. 16, 2011

By Jimmy Chen info

Jimmy Chen writes essays, criticism, and satire. He also contributes at HTMLGIANT, among other places, and ...

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I started balding when I was 25-years-old. I have no hairs on my chest, arms, and very little on my legs, which will come as little surprise to those of you fortunate enough to have been intimate with a non-Korean Asian male (I only mention this because Koreans tend to be of the hairier Asians). My body is similar in touch to a dolphin’s. Yet – and by the title of this article I think you know where I’m going – I have extremely long ass hairs, up to 2-inches. Not only are my ass hairs easily the longest hairs on my body, but I would argue they are longer than any hairs on your body; unless, of course, you fashion long hair.

The anus is a relatively small place, perhaps the size of a nickel. I’ve thoroughly inspected my respective ass cheeks and taint, and will confirm that my ass hairs are growing — somehow (and the very thought scares me) — out of my anus. I’m a fairly deep guy, and my physical appearance has never been a huge concern, but this is less about aesthetics/cosmetics than it is physics. Put simply, when I engage in “No. 2,” my feces occasionally gets caught in my ass hairs. Rather than ponderously weigh this down with dry mechanics, just imagine attempting to squirt Velveeta through a wig. This is my problem.

When I wipe, especially if the consistency is of the smoother/softer “wall spackle-esque” kind, there is a ~20-25% chance that part of my wiping hand (most often the thumb) will make contact with my feces, which I always discover with grave horror when I bring my hand back up. Since the invention of plumbing, modern humans are not anthropologically conditioned to interface with their fecal detritus; a quick drop from the ass to toilet bowl, neatly submerged in water, taken for granted. (Please note that I furiously scrub my violated digit(s) with soap under hot water until the fecal matter is completely gone.)

Regardless of how my last relationship ended, I will say that my ex showed near-unconditional love when she offered to cut my ass hairs (I don’t use the word “trim” because far much more was required). I was reluctant at first, mainly out of self-respect, and for hers as well; but ultimately, after a shower, I sheepishly dropped my boxers and spread my legs wide, curving my torso inward so that my ass would jut out. (Those of you who wonder why I didn’t bend over do not understand the human body enough.) I recall her dodging her head out of the way so that it wouldn’t obscure the non-clinical domestic lighting from above.

Now and then, as she snipped away, the cold metallic cosmetic shears with which she attended to her task would grace my anus, sending shivers of apprehension through my sack and up my spine. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust her intentions, or aim; it was simply being in such a humiliating, vulnerable, and helpless position. For a rather self-conscious and abashed person, the last thing you want is your dear loved one with her nose in your asshole. I feared that my asshole would look drab to her, a squinting brown note which mirrored my uninspired face.

This was in 2009, so if you’ll kindly do the math, you’ll know that 2 years have transpired since my ass hair cutting — and my ass hairs grow fast, perhaps in a race with my mortality. My ass hairs, at the time of this dreadful article, are currently out of control. In a place where the “sun never shines,” they are so confident you’d think they are wearing sunglasses. They are so long and bountiful one could braid them, though that is hardly an invitation. Fear not: the thumb which frolics the space bar after each word you are reading is completely shit (and its redolence) free. I have not touched my own shit, I’m proud to say, in over five days.

The sad thing is, I doubt I will find another woman who will cut my ass hairs for me. Mom is getting old, and I’m skeptical of her eyesight. I tried to do it myself, using an arrangement of mirrors and blunt child safety scissors, but only ended up accidentally sodomizing myself. I was not aroused, or charmed, so neither should you.

The religious folk offer Intelligent Design as the instrument of our doing, suggesting that an attentive God is responsible for the perfect machines of love and happiness that we are. These are the same people who say I’m going to hell, which is an evite just waiting to be clicked. Ass hairs, people. I have a problem. Anyone who has heard me struggle in the bathroom stall, frantically consuming a fifth of a roll of toilet paper going “oh shit, shit” (literally) would accept my humble slightly shit-smeared self as a counter argument. TC mark

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image – Brandon Blinkenberg

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  • Newm1070

    omg grotesque i had to stop reading lol

  • http://twitter.com/ward_hegedus Ward Hegedus

    Waxers have seen it all and would gladly aid you in your ass hair problem. And frankly, there is NOTHING like pooping with a hairless asshole. It's a whole new level of pooping freedom.

  • Empathetic

    Wow. I could never be this open about my body. Also, an electric razor might do wonders.

  • giancarlo

    haha i'm italian and you have it way worse than me. a street boners article shed some insight into the matter – http://streetbonersandtvcarnag…/.

    i have been doing this since long before the article. and Ward has it right. there's nothing like pooping with a hairless asshole.

    buy one of those razors they market to girls for their legs as it's very hard to cut yourself.

    problem solved unfortunately hairy Asian man.

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      just read the directions; the vectors are highly confusing. seeing “Mach3″ scared me. i'm so nervous…

      • giancarlo

        mach 3 is a terrible idea, but i bet you'll try this as soon as you conquer the Fear.

  • http://thebitchrake.tumblr.com/ The Bitchrake

    The best one yet!

  • http://twitter.com/rislynsey christopher lynsey

    Peculiar and engrossing.

  • Valerielo24

    I now see why spray toilets were invented…

  • http://www.wineuponthelips.wordpress.com Rachel

    I was in no way prepared for this…

  • NoUnicorn

    I would have gladly provided this service to any boyfriend I ever had if requested. I'm no unicorn, I'm sure any of my girlfriends would do the same. We're primates; we love grooming you (yes, even *there*).

    • Ashke

      I've heard other women say similar things, and I've heard from ladies who like to pop their partner's zits and things like that.

      But I prefer to keep a little mystery in my relationships, so I will not be going anywhere near my husbands ass hair, zits, or anything else like that.

  • Amro

    this is the loudest i've ever laughed while naked and alone in my room

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      decibel-centric lol, sweet

  • PINA

    Only fags and girls find th article grotesque, shocking or funny. Ass hair/ass hair jokes is a regular topic between real men.

    • PINA

      You're a fag, fag.

  • von_dildus

    While I don't suffer from the same affliction you have so eloquently brought into the light of my narrow world view, I too am at war with ass hairs. As far as I can tell, they don't take root in my rectum, nor do they extend into daylight at the north shore of my netherregions. But they are a daily inconvenience, similarly preventing me from attaining the immaculate wipe. While I'd put my stink finger avoidance success rate at closer to 95%, I still don't find the ever-present threat to be an acceptable one.

    In fighting this war with the proteinaceous extensions of self, I employ a brute force method rarely discussed at dinner, cocktail parties, or even strip clubs. I pull each individual hair containing within my ass crack out by hand. I tightly grip the end of each coarse ass filament between the tip of my index finger and my thumb and firmly pull perpendicularly to my anus. It is tedious. It is tiring. It can be hit or miss. It is not for the feint of heart or proud. But it works, and you don't have to ask someone else to wield a deadly weapon while have a staring contest with your brown eye.

    Just try it. If it's too slippery, try showering (with bar soap) first. If that didn't previously occur to you, you probably already have enough poop on your fingers to render this whole post less than compelling.

    • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

      holy shit you have ass trichotillomania, that is hard core

      • von_dildus

        I'll take that diagnosis over fabricating bristled Hershey's Kisses.

  • RufusRAINRIGHT

    This post really seems to be striking a cord across the United States of America. expect to see Jimmy Chen on the Morning Show tomorrow talking about this issue

    • 2012

      this is deep, bro.

      hey, at least it's more informative and relatable than mainstream news? right?

  • http://madisonlangston.blogspot.com/ Madison Langston

    ex-girlfriend seems sweet

  • http://twitter.com/BrotherBear_Ry Ryan Culliver

    Yeah, you just need to…wax that ass!

  • http://jimmychenchen.com/ Jimmy Chen

    lol 'dolphins' was tagged; sweet ass editor

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Carlos-Ortiz/1279921705 Carlos Ortiz

    “For a rather self-conscious and abashed person, the last thing you want is your dear loved one with her nose in your asshole.”
    Yet you considered asking your mom?
    I mean I kinda get it, it might be less embarrassing than asking your partner, but I think it would be ten times as awkward.

  • Sdglsdkgslgkdsdg

    philips body groomers. i checked amazon, a lot of the reviews say they've never been nicked while shaving their anus.

  • Lordnycon69

    sucks when you shart too… gets all entangled in the hair

  • ObamaATL

    I can’t believe I just read a whole article about an asian dudes hairy butthole. *face palm*

  • Guest

    Holy shit (literally) I lawled at this. I share this problem, man

  • http://twitter.com/tashny Tashny Sukumaran

    i love you.

  • Bobby

    The self-administered Electric Trimmer Method  of ass-hair trimming:

    1. get a THIN beard trimmer (fits better) with several
    attachments. You do need a good quality electric trimmer and one with decent
    battery life. Set to number zero (no plastic retainer clip on to make it a
    number 1, as with those on it is too large to use well.).

    2.Get 2 x  coathangers
    and bend each one into an ‘s’ shape. Or buy some pre-made ‘s’ shaped hooks
    which fit your shower area. Hang these on top of and facing the OUTSIDE of your
    see-through plastic shower wall. Hang the MIRROR by its wire string on the OUTSIDE
    of the transparent plastic shower wall looking back in. This stops it getting
    wet.

    3. turn on all lights in bathroom. Bring in a portable lamp
    if necessary. This will help to ensure you can see what is going on.

    4. shower. Clean the butt area.  Use shampoo and conditioner down there.  Spray shower head at the inside of the transparent
    plastic shower wall where the mirror is, to cleanse steam off it. This is so that
    you can see your butt through it via the mirror.

    5. turn off shower head. Turn your back to the mirror. Use
    your neck to look around yourself at the mirror behind you to see what you are
    doing.

    5. Wait until the skin dries off a bit (electric trimmers
    work best on dry skin apparently).

    6. shaving round one. Use electric clippers to trim ass
    hairs. Be very careful and take your time. Clean trimmer periodically using
    water, or the brush it comes with. Leave the innermost ring alone as that can
    get really irritated. Just do the worst of it and this is just a trim, not a
    shave!

    7. turn on shower head. Use warm water to: (A) clean the
    butt area of trimmer hair. (B) wash the trimmer hairs down the drain. (C) clean
    the transparent plastic shower wall where the mirror is behind it, to clear
    steam and see what’s going on again.

    8. repeat steps 5 to 7 until trimming is done. All is good
    if you have not nicked yourself.

    9. apply normal aftershave soothing liquid designed for use
    on the face.

    10. for the next few days (or week) after you shower in the
    mornings, do step 9.
    After that time period without much ass hair down there, some people use talcum
    powder (it absorbs sweat and you’ll notice sweat more without butt hair to
    absorb it). Some swear by the stuff and it may help a bit if you get sweaty-butt
    syndrome (this is especially noticeable if it is humid or a hot summers day).

    11. do not do this very often. Only whenever long ass hair irritations
    get really bad. Some post-trim irritation and the danger of nicking yourself
    exists with electric trimming methods. Results may vary. You don’t need to pay
    others to do this on your person or to do similar treatments such as wax your
    ass (sounds painful and a tad embarrassing).

    SUMMARY:

    Some ideas here which could be good stuff hopefully, in
    countering the issues you mentioned (your post make me think of the shaggy DA
    dog with long hair). Be very careful using trimmers though. Easy to nick and
    that is not good at all. Using the mirror as mentioned enables non-gymnasts to
    have a show at doing this without requiring you to have a neck like a giraffe and
    a head that swivels even more that this said technique requires!

    How long
    does the average guy wait after shaving, to shave again? Some say 3 weeks. I
    reckon more like 3 months – or until it is really annoying again.

    Be aware
    some potential discomfort afterwards (results may vary). Apparently farts are
    louder and sound more like popcorn popping than before. Not a major problem
    necessarily. If there was a better trimmer that could not nick you I’d buy one.
    There are attendant risks in all methods – trimming, shaving, waxing, using
    creams which remove hair. Research risks first.

  • WowAnon

    All I have to say is, glad I’m not the only one with this problem!!

  • Brian of Nazareth

    Same problem here. (At least as far as the ass hair length.) And yes, they also actually grow OUT of my anus. But my pubes are longer. Some of them (uncurled) can be as long as 5 inches, believe it or not. It’s been like this since puberty, which was many many moons ago. I just seem to take all these so called problems you mentioned in stride. At least my wife doesn’t mind the hair. It’s sorta been a joke between us since we were dating.

    BTW, I’m not even sure what brought me here in the first place. I guess surfing the web while buzzed and bored can lead to some interesting results!

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