1. Abort him.
Men rape. Men steal. Men catcall. Men kill. Men bother women. Men call gays “weird.” Men think they have the right to a woman’s body. Men like The Three Stooges. Do you really want to bring another one into this world?
2. Don’t breastfeed him.
If it’s too late to abort him (post-birth abortions aren’t allowed yet in this patriarchal society), you have to get to the real raising part. Titty milk contains a lot of antioxidants and vitamins, and stuff like that makes the baby strong. It’s important that you don’t breastfeed a baby boy, cuz that will give him an unfair advantage over baby girls. Feed him something like ground-up rice cake; since it doesn’t have any real nutrition, this will weaken him nicely.
3. Teach him to check his male privilege.
Teach him that he and all other men are collectively responsible for the oppression of women and the support of rape culture for like thousands of years. Teach him to be ashamed of what his gender has done and make sure he knows what women, people of color, and genderqueer individuals have to go through every day as a result of his gender’s evils.
4. Teach him to be ashamed of his “boyish” ways.
Maybe he picked up a stick and used it as a gun. Maybe he’s running around screaming and pretending to be a dragon. Maybe he’s wrestling another boy. Whatever rough, chauvinist thing he’s doing, make sure he learns that it’s wrong and shameful and that it’s hurting everyone else around him, especially girls.
5. Don’t assume he is straight.
Be critical of all that is heteronormative. Show him fabulous LGBTQ material instead of normal, sexist cartoons, and make sure he never watches anything that doesn’t have at least one gay or lesbian couple in it. Use a gender-neutral pronoun on him—just make one up, it’s super-fun. Make him wear dresses to challenge gender norms; all the other kids will totally love him for it. If you see him playing with a typical “boy toy,” get in there, yank that Hot Wheels car away from him, and give him a more tolerant doll or a toy kitchen set.
6. Remove any father figure from his life.
Boys with father figures often develop into chauvinistic, sexist, macho men. Make sure to push away any adult male that is in his presence growing up. A surefire way to do this is to accuse the man of pedophilia; this will result in a swift removal of the toxic influence. Once you’re on your own with him, make sure he resents all that is masculine.
7. Make him a feminist who respects women.
OK, last but not least you gotta make him a feminist. It’s extremely important that he is an ally of feminism, that he shuts up, takes a few steps back, and lets strong independent women have the last word. He must learn that in this Patriarchal society, women are facing great hardship as a direct result of him living and breathing; thus, he must respect and agree with all women’s perspectives. He must realize that everyone is equal, but that women are more equal.
There you have it, guys: the right way to raise the next generation’s men. Personally I totally hate kids and I’m never gonna have any, but there’s a lot of you that can gain wisdom from this. If you wanna discuss it, tweet under #YesAllSons. Kbye. Bitch.