Thought Catalog

I Still Think About You, After All This Time

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Swaraj Tiwari

Tonight, I am standing under the moonlight. I am surrounded by darkness while the wind blows my hair. I look all around me and I suddenly feel lonely. I stare at the starless sky and wonder what you’re doing right now. It’s funny you’re still first person that comes to my mind when the world becomes quiet.

I know I should not let the thought of you enter my mind, but tonight is different. Tonight I allow myself to be vulnerable and feel your absence in my life. I close my eyes and search for your face in my memory. As soon as I open them, tears come running down my cheeks.

I realize you are still the one.

I can’t lie to myself and convince my heart that I’m done with you. I can’t find any excuse to hate you. I can’t pretend you are no longer important to me.

Because if I’m being honest, I am searching for you in every people who show interest in me. I make myself believe that I can replace you with anyone of them. But maybe I’m wrong. There is no one who can take your place in my heart.

You are the only one I think about when I’m alone. You are the only one I want to be by my side when I’m having a bad day. You are the only one who can easily paint a smile on my lips.

And I swear you are the only one that I love.

I wish you were here with me right now to embrace me and give me warmth. I wish you were here to melt the coldness in my heart. I wish you were here to whisper to my ears how beautiful the night is.

I wish you were here to tell me that I’m still the one that you need; I’m still the one that you want.

My life is never the same without you. And I keep thinking how everything is so much better when I’m with you. It’s like I’m able to carry all the burdens in this world because I know you’re there to protect me. You’re always there when I need you. You’re always there to rescue me when I’m scared.

But now that I’m on my own, I have to convince myself that I’m strong, even though I am already collapsing on the inside. I have to always make sure that I’m busy, so I can avoid entertaining the thought of my loneliness.

I keep telling myself that time is going to help me erase the memory of you. But I’m not sure if I want that to happen. I’m not sure if I want to arrive in the future still lying to myself that I no longer care for you.

I’m not sure if I want to ever stop loving you.

Because you are the first person that I fell in love with. And not a lot of people in my life know that. But right now I’m willing to share it to the world while I still can, while I still have the time.

Tonight, I can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t shrug off the realization that maybe I don’t want to let go of you. Maybe I don’t want to forget you. Maybe I still want to be with you.

And maybe I want you to stay, right here, in my heart. TC mark

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