6 Things To Do When You’re Drunk

Sometimes you just gotta get wild on a Tuesday night. Maybe there’s nothing on TV. Maybe that bottle of wine you opened 2 days ago is about to turn, and you’re not one to be wasteful. You could drink and have a House of Cards marathon, but Kevin Spacey speaking directly at you in a Southern accent can be very scary when you’re drunk. Here are some other things you can do instead.

1. Organize your closet. This is the time. You’re drunk enough not to care which things you throw out and which you keep. You’re drunk enough to find surprisingly clarity into how to Tetris-ize your closet to get everything to fit. You’re drunk enough to hang a photo in there. Just do it. Oh, and hey, speaking of pictures…

2. Hang up those pictures/photos/art you’ve been meaning to. I know, drunk person with a hammer sounds bad, but really, this is the only time in your life you’re gonna feel energized enough to do it and ballsy enough do it without properly measuring. So what, you’ll have a few holes in the wall, big deal. What are you, Kate Middleton? Who gives a fuck? It doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to hang on the wall.

3. Reconnect with old friends. You know that friend you have, the cool one who you always thought was too cool for you? Your friends Mr. Jameson and Mr. Charles Shaw (you can call him Chuck, it’s fine) do not give a single fuck and they’re gonna help you connect with that cool buddy. Decide to go to that party after all – with the assistance of a taxi or other sober driver.

4. Clean the kitchen. When Mary Poppins sang, “In every job there is an element of fun – you find the fun and snap, the job’s a game!” she didn’t realize she was describing the ole “treat yourself to one shot for every 3 dishes washed” game but she totally was! If you put on music and grab a mop, it’s almost like you’re dancing. Don’t believe me? Ask the dishes! (Because they can sing, they can dance, after all miss, this is France. And I sometimes segue into Disney songs when I write, I don’t see a problem with this. Do you? Do you want to get up in my face about this? Do you?)

5. Go shopping at Target or Ikea. Drunk you is the only you that can handle shopping in these places. Wear your sunglasses indoors and pretend you’re Hall and/or Oates. Accept autographs and photos. It’s for the people. If you’re in IKEA, you can also take a nice drunken nap. You can do that in Target too, but they’re less chill about it.

6. Write an article for Thought Catalog. Those bastards will love it!