He’s The Vulnerable One! Helping Men Be More Open Through Oral Sex

I push my lover back onto the bed and tell him it’s his turn to receive and my turn to play. As he lies back, I begin my slow tease over his legs, thighs, and eventually to his cock. I can feel his energy radiating through him into my mouth, and then my eyes flick up to meet his. He gives me a boyish grin as he tells me how good I feel, but what he doesn’t know is that right before his grin I caught a complete look of vulnerability on his face. His cock’s energy tells the story of this vulnerability as it pulses. His mouth begins a quick dance to avoid the feelings, “Are you comfortable?” “You don’t have to keep going if you don’t want,” “You look beautiful like that,” and then several derogatory comments towards his cocks performance. I slide his cock out of my mouth, and with a gentle touch, I simply say, “Shh, just relax and enjoy it. I’m having a great time. Focus on your pleasure.” Once again, we sink into the sensation and rhythm.

Although it is rare in our society to talk about the vulnerability of sex, the truth is if the topic is broached, usually it is in reference to the women being vulnerable. What we often don’t hear talked about is the vulnerability that is present for men during sex. Men are very vulnerable in many different sexual situations, but one of the major times this is true is while he is receiving oral sex.

Some would argue that this is not true because the woman is the one being penetrated, often in a position that APPEARS more submissive, and certain positions can require a lot more trust in your partner. Any sexual play creates some level of vulnerability, but despite societal messages and beliefs, men are generally the more vulnerable ones in this situation. He’s not only trusting you with his most sensitive organ but also his heart, his fears, his pleasure, and his opening. Men get a bad wrap for wanting to be dominant, take, and “just get off,” but in all actuality, most men want to connect with their woman.

When we women are lying there with our legs spread for our men, the biggest thing we want to feel from our partners is a sense of approval and acceptance of our orgasmic state while in such a vulnerable position. Men are the same and want the exact same things even if they are not cognitively aware.

The problem comes in that most men have been taught to cut off from the emotions of sex through porn and the overall thought process of the goal being ejaculation. Unsurprisingly, women have the same thought process often about “getting him to cum,” which should never be the ultimate goal of any type of sexing…but that’s a whole different article. This ejaculation-centered thought process can create a distancing for both parties from their vulnerability, and we know from a psychological perspective that without truly feeling that vulnerability, the ability to connect at a much deeper level is lost.

So what makes a blowjob so vulnerable for a man? Well, let’s start with the fact that he is allowing his most sensitive and prized organ into an orifice with sharp, pointy teeth! It takes some trust and vulnerability simply on that level. Then there comes into play any insecurities, and every man has them, about his cock. They get concerned that it’s too big, too small, too thick, too skinny, not erect enough, too much manscaping, not enough manscaping, and on and on. So he is placing himself out there to be potentially judged on what in many men’s minds define them as men. Then there is the vulnerability of allowing the woman to taste him and truly “take” a piece of him into herself with the chance that this will not be accepted. So many men have had the experience of cumming and the woman immediately making a face and spitting it out or telling him it’s disgusting. So each time he allows this, he puts himself in a vulnerable place to be criticized.

The biggest area of vulnerability for a man in this situation is that of allowing his woman to stir his pleasure and thus his heart. In opening his pleasure center, you are also helping to move energy to other areas of the body, one of these areas being his heart chakra. In humans, our genitals and our hearts are linked, so when receiving a blowjob, a man hands you the key to cracking him wide open. If a man allowing a woman to see him in a state of orgasm—where he is the least in control of his body and at the most open state—isn’t vulnerable, then I don’t know what is!

So what can a woman do to help her man during this vulnerable but also extremely connective area of sexing?

• Smile, be playful, and simply show him that you are enjoying yourself.
• Help ease any insecurities by telling him what you love about his body and the moment. It only takes a second to slip him teasingly out of your mouth, tell him how his body turns you on, and then continue with the play.
• If you don’t like the taste of his cum, don’t spit it out the moment it hits your mouth. Hold it for a second until you are able to gracefully let it go or don’t have him cum in your mouth at all. There are ways to make it sexy for him to cum other places.
• When he is in a state of pleasure, help him connect to his heart chakra more by simply reaching up and placing your hand over his heart. This will help move some of the kundalini (sexual) energy up to the heart, potentially creating a more expansive orgasm.
• Make eye contact with him and show him that you are right there beside him in his experience of pleasure.  

Note: These concepts are based on a collaborative workshop created by myself, Addison Bell, Sex & Relationship Coach,  and Sex & Relationship Coach Kendal Williams.