Some days, it’s like we never even met. I can go on about my day without a single thought connecting back to you. But other days, I am consumed by thoughts of what could have been.

Why did you leave me this way? And how could you not feel any remorse? Do I ever cross your mind or have you painted a new picture of Chicago that I was never even a part of?

I cannot take this train without thinking of you. I cannot help but hope each time my phone lights up, you might have changed your mind. I don’t know why I want someone who hurt me so badly back in my life, but I would be lying if I said that I didn’t.

I want to be over this. I want to drink my coffee and taste more than my loneliness. I want to eat avocados without remembering who taught me how to pick the very best one. I want to live my life the way I did before I met you.

Or maybe I don’t. Maybe there is some part of me deep down that actually enjoys feeling this way. Maybe feeling heartbroken is better than not feeling at all. Maybe learning how to love and let go is exactly what I needed to know. Maybe everything does happen for a reason, and I just haven’t learned your reason yet.

How can you go from bringing so much light to bringing nothing more than a flicker of false hope for a future that can never be? Please don’t talk about a future you know we will never have. Please don’t pretend that you didn’t sense my sadness. And please don’t write this off as something “fun” you did during your time here.

Maybe to you, I was just a phase. I was a way to escape from your life and pass the time in the cold, Chicago winters. You were always looking towards the return of summer, and all I ever wanted was for you to enjoy the way the seasons changed while you still could.

I wish you still could.