I’m Sorry If My Overthinking Makes Me Difficult To Love

You could send me a text message with only one or two words and I will still overthink what your sentence meant. You could smile at me from across a crowded room and I will overthink what the look meant. I wish I knew what other people were thinking because I spend so much of my time trying to read their minds.

I’m sorry if my overthinking makes me difficult to love. I’m not trying to cause drama where none exists. I’m only trying to protect my heart.

I don’t want to be the person who gets blindsided when their partner cheats. I don’t want to overlook the red flags. I don’t want to be caught off guard. I would rather see the betrayal coming. I would rather know what is waiting for me down the road.

Since I’m so worried about the what ifs, I pay too much attention to detail. I will notice the slight change in your tone and instead of assuming that you must be tired or had a stressful day at work, I will assume that you are mad at me. That you are hiding something from me. That you want nothing to do with me.

I come across as sensitive because I make a big deal out of things that shouldn’t have been given a second thought. You will make a bad joke, and instead of brushing it off, I will overthink what the words meant. The tiniest problem will snowball into me wondering whether you secretly can’t stand me.

I’m always ready for things to go wrong. I’m always on edge, observing the people around me to prepare for what happens next.

Even if a relationship is going perfectly well, I will make a list in my head of all the ways it could fall apart. I could get ghosted. I could get cheated on. I could get dumped. I could have my heart shattered and spend years trying to jam the broken pieces back into place.

When the world brings me too much happiness at once, I get suspicious. I assume something horrible is about to happen to balance out my emotions.

When I’m in the shower or driving in my car, I will have arguments with you inside of my head. I will imagine all of the things you might say to me when we talk for real. I might accidentally get mad at you, even though you haven’t done anything wrong yet. I might make myself more paranoid than I have any right to be.

I’m sorry if I become quiet after the smallest thing goes wrong. I’m sorry if it seems like I’m always overreacting. I’m sorry if my overthinking makes me difficult to love.

I’ve been trying to follow my head instead of my heart because I have been hurt before and I’m scared it’s going to happen again. I’m scared you are going to leave. I’m scared you are going to break me apart like all the others who came before you.