You Taught Me That Effort Matters More Than Sexual Tension

Sexual tension was seen in every moment we spent together. In every glance we shared. In every joke we told. In every text we sent.

Whenever our eyes met, whether we were nose-to-nose or standing on opposite sides of a crowded room, I felt my heart make drumbeats inside of my chest and my mouth tilt into a smile.

Every conversation we had was tinged with tension. It didn’t matter if you were hinting about how cute I looked that day or if we were talking about something mundane — the weather or our jobs or our cars. Either way, there would be an unspoken connection between us. We could both feel it pulsing through the air.

Everyone told us we bickered like an old married couple. Everyone told us our feelings were obvious. Everyone told us it would only be a matter of time until we started dating.

I believed that myself.

The sexual tension told me that you liked me, it tricked me into thinking that something real was going to happen between us, that a serious relationship was about to blossom.

But our banter didn’t mean what I thought it meant. I was mislead by all the flirtatious comments, all of the late night conversations and repeated I miss yous. 

You taught me that butterflies in stomaches and frogs in throats aren’t enough. That a relationship needs more than attraction and lust to last — or to even get started.

You canceled plans at the last second. You left texts unanswered for hours. You dropped out of my life without warning and then popped back up again as if nothing had changed.

When I happened to be in the same room as you, you would layer on the charm. When you happened to be free, you would beg me to come over. You paid attention to me when it was convenient for you, when you had nothing better to do.

The rest of the time, you ignored me. You ghosted me. You disappointed me.

You put in effort to flirt with me. But you never put in effort to keep me.

As much as I love teasing you and touching you, as much as I love the feeling of adrenaline that overtakes me whenever we’re together, that isn’t enough. I need more.

I need someone who will answer my phone calls every time, because they know I would only ring if it was something important. I need someone who will go out of their way to see me, even if that means they’re going to lose out on an extra hour of sleep. I need someone who will put me first, who will consider me a priority.

I need someone who actually puts in effort. Someone who is committed to keeping me in their life and will work hard to make sure that I never feel like I’m being abandoned or replaced.

I want someone who makes my heart race like you do — but actually treats me right, too.