5 Things That Automatically Make Someone More Attractive

1. A guitar

We all know this to be true: An ugly person < An ugly person with a guitar. If you’re unattractive but singing/strumming/banging on drums to a captivated audience, you immediately become screwable. Why is this? Why were so many women willing to sleep with Rod Stewart and Billy Joel and pretend like they weren’t sleeping with complete eyesores? Why do we continue to be so blinded by someone who sweats, grunts, and sings to an audience of hypnotized people? Furthermore, why can’t writers have the same appeal?! Why can’t attending a reading have the same effect on someone as a concert? Actually, I guess it does in a way. Admit it. You would want to sleep with someone who’s even mildly famous because it validates us and makes us feel like a hot piece of ass. Hell, I would even sleep with Tyler from Teen Mom if he were gay! Which (sort of) brings me to my next point….

2. A child

Much like MILFS, dads have the ability to be very sexy. In New York especially, they often look like 27-year-old hipsters you would make out with at a bar. But you know what’s even sexier than just being a plain ol’ dad? Being a good dad! Watching a dude be tender and loving with his children sends 10,000 boners to me and women across America. You want to sleep with them just as a thank you for being a good man and restoring the faith in women who have dealt with deadbeat fathers. Everyone needs to find themselves a Mr. Mom. Just make sure they’re not already married….

 3. Virginity

People are fascinated by virgins—people who could have sex but choose not to for reasons x, y, and Mormon. Chances are if someone is the big V, it’s because they’re trapped in a sexless marriage with organized religion, but sometimes you’ll encounter the rare breed of virgin, which is someone who just hasn’t found the right person yet. Wow. Can you imagine that? Doesn’t it make you want to be that person right now for them? Certain people love virgins because they present a challenge, and god knows so many of us love a good chase. Usually the people who are so turned on by virginity though are actually creepy misogynistic men AKA the people you SHOULDN’T lose your virginity to. (Have you seen Kids?!) These men just want to mark their territory and have bragging rights for being the guy the virgin was willing to give it up to. I can’t relate to the virgin fetish thing {If I found out a dude was a virgin, I’d probably be like, “I’m not the man for the job. Come back to me when you’re three partners deep!” and cut all ties) but I do understand the whole feeling proud thing. When I hooked up with “straight” guys in high school, I remember feeling a sense of pride like “Wow! You’re willing to go gay for me. I feel so honored. Why me?!” I guess people who get off on taking virginities feel the same way except, hi, it’s way more creepy and dark.

4. A job

Remember when being unemployed didn’t matter and it felt good paying for your boyfriend’s dinner because he was really hot and had a good-looking penis? Yeah. Not anymore. Nowadays, nothing is sexier than success, especially when it’s occurring in a recession. As much as I hate to admit it, having money and a job are important requirements for an adult relationship. Obviously someone shouldn’t be expected to be making major money in their twenties (We’re not bringing home the bacon, we’re bringing home the tempeh/seitan) but it’s important to know that they could be in the next ten years. Ambition is sexy and if someone is passionate about something, it provides me with a giant sense of relief. At this point, if someone told me they had health insurance and a 401k, I’d have no choice but to get on top of them.

5. A committed relationship

We often want what we can’t have. When someone is in a relationship, it sends a message to strangers that says, “You can’t touch me!!!! But JK, try to touch me.” Without fail, I always get more attention from men when I’m already seeing someone.  It’s so cruel and unfair! It makes dating and attraction seem like a giant mind game. Like okay, you wanted nothing to do me when I was celibate and totally looking to have sex with someone but now that I’m taken, you’re showing interest? Where were you when my penis needed you the most? Rude boy.