1.
A terrible movie would be Batman vs Superdelegate.
— Conan O’Brien (@ConanOBrien) March 26, 2016
2.
A lot of people want Ted Cruz to win, but are we ready for a President that’s a melting candle?
— Conan O’Brien (@ConanOBrien) March 17, 2016
3.
If you’re a classic rock fan, and an insufferable snob, your favorite band is The Whom.
— Conan O’Brien (@ConanOBrien) March 20, 2016
4.
Million dollar idea: maternity clothes, but for beer bellies.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) March 5, 2016
5.
I know God doesn’t make mistakes, but I think even He would agree grapefruit was a misfire.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) March 6, 2016
6.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) February 29, 2016
7.
INTERN: I’m on YikYak.
ME: Is that a social media app or a rave drug?
INTERN: You are old, sir.— Conan O’Brien (@ConanOBrien) March 15, 2016
8.
If you can say Happy Valentine's Day in Klingon you're probably not celebrating it.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) February 14, 2016
9.
“Oh bother! I’m all out of hunny,” said Winnie the Pooh. “But bears are omnivores,” he added, leveling his gaze at Piglet.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) September 10, 2015
10.
The word “awesomesauce” is now in the dictionary. Call me old fashioned but I’m going to stick with “sperm.”
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) September 2, 2015
11.
Just searched "blasé otters" on Giphy so I could show you how my kids react every night when I come home from work.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) February 24, 2016
12.
Just told my barber I want my hair to be “Megyn Kelly in the front, Donald Trump in the back.”
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) January 30, 2016
13.
I did a DNA test and it turns out I'm 98% Irish, 2% pool noodle.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) January 23, 2016
14.
What champagne is best paired with alone in the dark?
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) January 1, 2016
15.
Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) November 26, 2015
16.
When Ben Carson finally wakes up, I wonder who gets to tell him he tried to run for President.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) February 13, 2016
17.
There’s nothing like your wife not winning the Powerball and watching her unpack her suitcase.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) January 18, 2016
18.
Astronomers have found the farthest object in our solar system. It’s the airport your friend needs a lift to.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) November 19, 2015
19.
You know how adults sound in the Peanuts specials? That’s what everybody sounds like when they’re not talking about me.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) November 11, 2015
20.
Feeling very snubbed to be the only white person not nominated for an Academy Award.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) January 17, 2016
21.
I lived a real-life version of “The Revenant,” except instead of getting mauled by a bear, it was a Girl Scout whom I gave inexact change to
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) January 20, 2016
22.
According to a new study, 10% of vegetarian “hot dogs” contain meat. So if you’ve ever enjoyed a vegetarian hot dog, now you know why.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) October 29, 2015
23.
The IRS is now giving full married-couple tax status to same-sex couples. Which explains the new app, “Grindr-Just-For-Tax-Purposes.”
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) October 26, 2015
24.
Life hack: drink 13 Pumpkin Spice Lattes in a row, and your bathroom will smell just like fall!
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) October 18, 2015
25.
Come clean, Sunny D. What are you?
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) October 9, 2015
26.
New York is imposing new rules for toplessness in Times Square. Guys, how many times do I have to say I was drunk and I’m sorry?
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) October 5, 2015
27.
I can’t believe Matt Damon is alone on Mars without Ben Affleck.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) October 2, 2015
