If I Were A Girl

If I were a girl I would be so broke. I’d resent having to buy things like tampons, makeup, hair straighteners, lip gloss, and get waxed. Being a girl just seems so expensive. Every time blood comes out of their vagina, they’re obligated to spend money. And the clothes! That’s one thing I would actually love. There are just so many options and they’re all so good. Menswear is so limited by comparison. I would put together the most amazing ensembles and I would reinvent myself every 3-6 months. I would dye my hair different colors, use different kinds of makeup, and become a style chameleon.

If I were a girl I would use my sexuality to my advantage. I would work hard to be pretty and wear revealing clothing and hate/love it when boys would gawk at me with that chilling male gaze of theirs. I’d get out of speeding tickets and get free muffins at Starbucks and sip on free drinks at bars. I would feel bad about it too. I would feel bad about my exposed breasts and legs and the no speeding ticket and the free muffin and the cocktail. Not bad enough to stop though. I’d figure if I was born with tits I might as well get a free chai tea. {Psst! That shit ain’t free if you know what I mean!}

If I were a girl I would have a weird relationship with food. I would think about all the times I would want to show skin and decide to forego the hamburger in favor of mixed greens. Looking at pictures of Kate Bosworth would make me feel bad about myself. Summer would give me anxiety because of the bikinis, the visible bra straps, the shorts. “I’m not eating today because I would like to get eaten out later.”

If I were a girl I would cry a lot. I mean, I’m already emotional with a penis so I shudder to think what I would be like as a girl. I’d cry on my period, cry about my ex-boyfriend, cry about old best friends, cry at romantic comedies that I secretly abhorred on a feminist level.

If I were a girl I would hate getting the short end of the stick with orgasms. I’d sleep with doofuses who would hurt me with their fingers, and sloppily tongue my ear. I’d watch them come in five minutes and just be like, “Fuck you for real.” I wouldn’t feel grossed out about my vagina either. No way. My lover would need to get down to business so I could finish as well. Why should I feel bad about that? They’re supposed to like it.

If I were a girl I would have intense female friendships. We’d be like sisters and act as an impenetrable support system. I wouldn’t feel weird about being vulnerable in front of them and I would expect them to hold my hair back if I were to ever vomit. Sometimes I would have moments of anger towards them, sometimes I’d want to fucking kill them, but it would fade quickly and we’d be walking arm-in-arm again talking about how much we love each other and sisterhood girl talk joy joy.

If I were a girl I think I would hate Katy Perry and Ke$ha. Just because, you know?

If I were a girl I would be so scared I’d fall in love with someone who treated me like a piece of shit. They would be misogynistic and terrible and I would find myself compromising my self-worth just so I could sleep with them at night. As a woman, I would just be so conditioned to feel bad about myself. Magazines would put me down, TV shows would sling insults at me, and my boss would pay me less money to do the same job as a man. What’s the harm in another person putting me down? At least this one would kiss me hard on the mouth after he insulted me. I like to kiss.

If I were a girl I would be nervous about giving birth to a child. I wouldn’t worry too much about the pain. I ‘d just feel this enormous pressure to be a good mother. Could I care for a lifeless human without feeling pangs of resentment? Would I suffer from post-partum depression and be a bad mother? Furthermore, would my husband still want to fuck me after he saw someone come out of the same thing that gives him so much pleasure?

If I were a girl I would try to be a good woman. I would try to figure out what that even means. I would stand up for myself if I ever needed to. I would tell a catcaller to piss off. I would be a good example to my friends, to my children, to whoever needed it. If I were a girl, I would be all of these things. Right? I’d hope so.