1. Shark Attack Survivor

“There’s nothing worse than walking down a street, minding your own business, when you feel the sticky warmth of blood running down your legs, safe in the knowledge that you have forgotten to pack any sanitary products, and recently spent the entirety of your money on christmas presents. By the time I made it to a bathroom to stuff tissue in my underwear, I looked like the survivor of a shark attack.”

2. A Personal Nightmare

“This is true. I remember it awkwardly at least once a day. It hurts my soul.

I went to a friends wedding in a small town far away. We drank beyond what any sane people would drink that Friday night, got up hungover, he gets married, then we hit the reception. I black out and my buddy drives us back to the room. I wake up in my tux about two hours before my plane is to depart. Haul ass to the airport with my friend, both tremendously hungover. We get through security and I am so nauseated I cannot stand it. Down a huge gatorade and bottled water to try to rehydrate. I duck into the bathroom about two minutes before boarding to clear out the bowels, praying it would relieve the nausea. It doesn’t.

I boarded the plane in a cold sweat. I was sitting in the second row. A nice old woman comes and sits beside me. She has a bag of something that I can smell. It is food of some sort. I swear to you on my life I had my first true panic attack right then. The smell of that food…. I knew then and there that I was going to vomit. I was sweating so bad, the old lady asks me if I am okay. I say yes and stand to excuse myself allllll the way to the back of the plane to the restroom. The flight attendant tells me to sit back down, we are backing away from the gate. I argue for a second, but I know deep inside it is too late. I started crying and shaking. I am a grown man and I am sitting beside this tiny old lady with a bag of what is apparently rotten broccoli crying my fucking eyes out. The attendant comes back. I am inconsolable. Everyone is looking at me like I am a fucking terrorist. It is building. I am panicking in my head that I will shit myself as I vomit all over the row. Finally my body decides it is over, because fuck you for drinking for two straight days motherfucker. I reach in a panic for the airsick bag and pull it out. I will never forget the look on that poor little old lady’s face. She is gripping both armrests and arched back away from me. Her eyes were the size of dinner plates. The attendant is asking me to calm down, everyone is looking, and I let loose. The gatorade and Aquafina are still in my stomach, so it is a massive stream of red vomit. Real demonic looking shit. The bag is about halfway full when I begin farting uncontrollably. The only thing that saved me from shitting on myself was the preflight bowel clear. I involuntarily am squeezing the bag, red puke is all over my lap and seat. The old lady is screaming and trying to push her way out past the attendant. I am crying and puking and farting relentlessly. Nightmare.

I had to ride two hours with these people. They had all witnessed a small personal nightmare.”

3. Ice Scraper

“When I was a little kid, my dad went into a grocery store and left me out in the car. I had to take a shit. I waited & waited & waited but my dad never came… so I took a dump on the floor of the car and then used his ice scraper to shovel it out the door. When my dad got back to the car, he stepped on it hahaha.”

4. India

“Years ago I was living and interning in India for a summer and would usually take train trips to different cities over the weekends.

One weekend I was on an overnight train and was stricken with a terrible case of food poisoning half way to my destination.

I made my way to the bathroom (squat toilet) on a moving train and proceeded to have explosive diarrhea while simultaneously vomiting all over the place.

Shitting and barfing hovering over a squat toilet on a moving train with many hours to your destination really makes you take inventory of your situation.

I have never experienced that level of bathroom related drama in my life. It was the perfect storm.”

5. The Eastern-Style Toilet

“I was a 15 year old exchange student in Thailand. After a week of eating the local food without allowing my body to adjust from its natural Canadian habitat I found my self to be relatively constipated. One day I was traveling through a remote Thai village when I got a sudden urge to empty my bowels. Understandable considering I hadn’t shit in a week.

I asked a local to point me to a bathroom, and after a few minutes of ass-clenching and waddling I found the entrance to a Thai-style bathroom.
Now anyone who has ever used a Thai Toilet will realize that it can be very intimidating if never seen before. I, coming from a western country, had NO idea how to use this, and if I could have waited until I reached a western style excrement removing device, I would have. Alas, the urge was too strong, and I commenced squatting.

I proceeded to unleash a hurricane of spicy-diarrhea stew into the dry toilet. A solid-liquid spray lasting for 15 or more seconds. After substantially loading up the toilet, I breathed a sigh of relief and looked around for toilet paper.

Well what do you know, there wasn’t any. Apparently you are supposed to bring your own ass wiping device, and I hadn’t known. The only 2 objects that could be utilized to help clean my drain-pipe were a grungy looking loofah and my hand. Opting to not risk contracting some ass-communicable foreign disease from the loofah, I proceeded to use my hand to wipe up the slimy somewhat chunky mixture and rinsed it off under the tap.

Some may be shocked about how nonchalantly I just cleaned myself, but let me explain: I was DESPERATE. I felt like shit, I was panicking, and I had no idea what I was doing. So at that point it was an everything goes deal.

After wiping I guessed I was supposed to fill the bowl with the water from the bucket, so I did. However, my recent recipe of goulash had rendered draining the water (no flushing) impossible, so it ended up just filling to the top with murky brown stinky water.

By then I was on the verge of tears: I still felt sick, I was in a strange place, and I had no idea what I was doing. So I just decided ‘fuck it’ and opened the door to go outside…

And was greeted by a LINE of 8-13 year olds. I had apparently used a local school bathroom without realizing it, and they had just started their break. I turned bright red and just high tailed it out of there, leaving behind a steaming bowl of shit soup, a horrendous smell of partly digested chicken and pork, and a gaggle of middle school Thai kids.

Never felt so guilty and disgusted before… but I have also never felt a relief as satisfying as emptying ones bowels after a week of spicy asian food.”

6. Crying And Pooping

“If you don’t know anything about menses, let me preface this by stating that the first day of the cycle is often the worse, and most girls get the shits while on their period.

About two and a half years ago, I had just spent the night at my boyfriend’s apartment. I’m sleeping soundly in his arms when my stomach rumbles so loudly that it wakes me up. I feel the familiar pain of period cramps, but they’re nearly 10 days early, so I dismiss it as a side effect of my boyfriend’s sizable penis. He’s still sleeping pretty soundly and we’re in the spooning position; I don’t want to wake him by moving, so I lay there for a while while my abdomen cramps. I have to fart and decide that I can get away with it…

HUGE MISTAKE

My brand new boyfriend wakes up to the sensation of something warm and wet on his dick. The smell doesn’t hit us until he lifts up the covers to investigate… it is a delightful mixture of poo and pennies. Apparently I covered his junk in a light spattering of both shit and period blood. I am on the side of the bed against the wall; he gets up so I can run to the bathroom. I sit up and the blood just pours out of me. On the mattress, the sheets… it’s just everywhere…

We sprint to the bathroom together and he starts the shower while I destroy his toilet. I have never, ever shit in front of someone before. I’m traumatized, just crying and pooping and pouring blood all at the same time. By the time I flushed the toilet, I’ve decided that I can never see him again.

And my boyfriend just laughs. Then comforts me, kisses me, tells me ‘shit happens,’ then has sex with me in the shower. Needless to say, I married him.”

7. *Shudder*

“I lived in the country and would eat a lot of raw vegetables when I was very young (6-12).

I started losing weight for some reason and my parents just thought it was because I was in a growth spurt or something.

Then for 2 weeks I felt really bad, went to the doctor he gave me some anti-parasite meds and sent me home.

He failed to mention that I would be passing a humungous tape worm later that week and I freaked out when I was mid shit and could see this dark black snake looking thing coming out of my ass.

I finished crapping but this thing wouldn’t come all the way out so I had to reach back and pull it the rest of the way out. (Gag!)

I didn’t tell anyone about it for years.”

8. The Honeymooners

“On my way back from my Honeymoon I had decided to stop at a Taco Bell. Mind you this was a in the back woods of Kentucky Taco Bell Express. The Chili Cheese Burrito being my favorite I didn’t even look at the menu and ordered away. Then he proceeded to tell me: “We don’t have any deep fryers.”

At the time the big campaign was the 1 pound burrito. So assuming that’s what I wanted he sold me two. What I walked out with somewhat resembled burritos, and weighed a fuck ton more than 2 pounds. The wife took one look and said no, and decided she wasn’t hungry anymore. I inhaled mine…

After getting on the highway again, the bubble-gut hit me. Of course the next exit is SEVERAL miles down the road. By the time we get to the next off ramp I’m doing the anal butt clench of death, and I shit you not there’s the oldest fucking lady driving an old jalopy 2 miles an hour down the off ramp.

When I finally pull off to run inside the only place to stop here drum roll a Taco Bell. I stop yell ‘GET THE KEYS!,’ and race inside, past a crew of kids waiting to clean the restrooms, slam the stall door, drop trow, and let loose the most foul smelling shit storm I never thought possible. It was BAD BAD BAD BAD BADDDDDDDDDDDDDDD. After cleaning up, of course I failed to do a courtesy flush and it starts coming up after me.

So I do the due diligence and RUN THE FUCK OUT! Of course the wife is now inside ordering her Taco Bell (OH FUCK NO!) and the kids start walking into the bathroom (OH FUCKING HELL!)…

I sternly (read that as a demand) tell her: ‘WE NEED TO MOVE NOW!’

Got back in the car and raced away…

In the rear view, yes I saw the kids running out of Taco Bell after me.”

9. I Love Peppers!

“When I first moved to China, a group of really attractive Chinese girls that worked for our company decided to take me out to lunch before my first “welcome to x company induction” class that evening. I wanted to make a good impression and be like all cool and stuff. So we’re at the restaurant, and they tell me that originally they’re all from Sichuan province (known for its spicy food) and they ask if I like spicy food. Sure I say, the hotter the better. I’m really only trying to impress them, but i figure how hot can it be? So I tell them to order it as spicy as it can get, I love peppers!, i want to eat it like they do, and some other idiotic stuff. They’re impressed and they order this meal that is literally coated in tiny shriveled dark red peppers. It was hot and it brought tears to my eyes, but I put on a good show and ate everything.

A few hours later, I’m sitting in this orientation class, and my stomach rumbles and immediately i can feel the taste of the peppers in my mouth again and I feel like if a bathroom were present, i could make use of it. I look at the clock and see I still have 45 minutes and it would be insanely rude to get up and leave. So i just decide to wait and concentrate on the lecture.

About 15 minutes later, I am UNCOMFORTABLE and squirming around. I pass a bit of gas quietly to help relieve the pressure and it felt someone lit a match on my bunghole and the smell was instantly suffocating. One of those omg, no warning, blitzkrieg on the nose, bury your face in your shirt and lynch the guy responsible types. Nobody figured out it was me but by this point i am in agony. I have 10 minutes to go and im almost sweating. My bunghole feels like Mount Doom and I’m afraid its going to start leaking sulphuric acid.

Finally the class is dismissed and as professional as I can, hurry quickly to the mens room (which looked like this) As I rush in and begin to very loudly take care of business, my cell phone rings. This was back in the day when having ringtones were still cool. Mine at the time i had this painful incident? Ring of Fire

A few days later I was telling a buddy about my new found allergy to peppers and he’s like ‘yep when you eat it, you think about it hot going in, but never how hot it will be coming out.'”

10. ‘It Sounds Like You Spilled Water Or Something’

“19 years old and staying at my Dad’s house for the weekend. I had come down with a stomach bug and was on the toilet every 5 minutes all afternoon just pushing this horrible liquid mess out of me.

At one point I run in and sit down quickly to let out whatever leviathan was next in line to escape my body, when I get that familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach that I WILL be throwing up soon. My mouth is watering, the back of my throat is dropping, and I’m searching for a proper receptacle. I find a small mesh garbage can, but I don’t want to make “a mess” so I figure I’ll jump off the toilet, turn around vomit into it, then jump back on and finish the shitting aspect.

Pretty straightforward – so now I’m kneeling in front of my toilet with my pants down as my gut clenches up with the first waves of vomit.

At the very instant I started vomiting every muscle in my body started clenching up and 3 gallons of liquid poopy sauce erupts from my ass all over my Dad’s bathroom.

I turn around and notice I have covered the entire wall, floor, rug, and even have hit parts of the ceiling with this ass explosion.

I kind of just sit down and take it all in for a few minutes, but then realize I’m in the family’s main bathroom and my parents and sibling are all eating dinner not more than 3 feet from where this happened.

I hear a ‘are you ok it sounds like you spilled water or something?’

HAHA if only – so I spend the next two hours cleaning up everything with toilet paper. I didn’t want to ruin towels or anything. I emerge 2 hours later with a spotless bathroom behind me, my Dad says “damn son it really smells like crap in here”

I just agreed. This experience has made me a better person…

11. No TP

“Once in Italy I was absolutely desperate to use the bathroom. I walked all over the city for a public restroom, getting more and more antsy about it. You know the pins and needles, shivering kind of desperate? Yeah, that bad. Eventually, I turned a corner and saw the golden arches of McDonald’s- I swear they were glowing and there were trumpets playing it was such a glorious sight. I sprinted up to the store and into the bathrooms, sat down to do my thing, then realized there was no toilet paper. I thought, no worry, I can just use receipts. Open my wallet- nope, I’d cleaned it out the day before. I sit there for a while trying to decide if I really want to wipe myself with a 50. In the end I decide not to because I heard that all euros have drugs on them. And I don’t want to put any drugs down there. Finally after much deliberation, I decided there was only one thing for it- I had to use my own underwear. Whipped them off, wiped clean, and disposed of them (in a bin, I didn’t flush them) and strutted out of there right into a lingerie shop to buy a new pair.”

12. Marital Bonding

“My parents and some other family members went to Punta Cana, Dominican Republic last year and stayed at an all-inclusive resort. They got a suite that had an open layout so the toilet was behind a wall but no door and there was a hot tub in front of the toilet. The food at the resort must have been bad, because everyone got sick. My mom ran to the bathroom to throw up and she ended up shitting at the same time. It sprayed the walls and the jacuzzi tub and the floors. Everywhere. My stepdad was in the room at the time, and from seeing that happened, he started throwing up. Then he started shitting his pants. They both tried to clean it up, but ended up throwing up and shitting in the jacuzzi tub in front of each other several times. This repeated almost every day on the trip.”

13. The Beach

“It was the summer after my freshman year at college (so 3 years ago), and I was in the Bahamas. My cousin and I were swimming in the ocean, and he wanted to go back into the hotel room, so he left. So there I am, swimming alone, when i get the urge the poop. Now I thought it was one of those ‘I can forcefully hold this in the water, it’ll go away, and then I can go when I get back into my room.’ Well I was wrong.

Five minutes go by and then I start walking up the beach because it seems like i’m holding in the worst shit of my life. I reach the sidewalk and I start sprinting up and down, trying to find one of those help desk things, I finally do and ask the lady where the nearest bathroom is. It was about 30 feet away and I thought I was in the clear.

Well I get into the bathroom, run into a stall and then I notice my bathing suite was tied…fuck. So as I’m untying my bathing suit I just start shitting….and as I finally sit down I notice it was all over my thigh, on the floor, and on the toilet seat (behind me). Then to top it all off, there’s no toilet paper.

I then see a janitor’s hand go under the stall and he hands me TP and says ‘I think you’ll need this.’

14. Blue Cheese On Pizza

“I ate a slice of pizza one summer. It was a slice of buffalo chicken/blue cheese. I should have paid better attention, the ‘blue cheese’ on the pizza looked to be salad dressing. That had been sitting under a heat lamp for an undetermined amount of time. In July.

Yes, it was bad. I had gone to the bar that night, and was halfway through a beer when I realized “oh fuck, this is food poisoning.” So I had to make the mad dash for home.

Which included A) a fifteen minute walk to the train station B) five minutes waiting for my train, C) a twenty minute train ride and D) a twenty minute walk home from the train station.

I knew that once I opened the floodgates, I wouldn’t be ale to move so I didn’t want to risk a public bathroom so I just clenched both ends and suffered. The worst was the last leg of it, when I was walking home from the train station. By then I was just looking for yards with big enough bushes for me to just go and befoul. Stupid suburbia.

I did make it home, and when I made it to the toilet I barfed for like twenty minutes. and then my ass blew up. All weekend, just puking and shitting and shivering and sweating for three days straight.”

15. The Dance

“In high school I was invited to a school dance by my best friend’s ex. I get to this dance and I’m trying my best to be a good date without breaking the bro code when the girl in question grabs my junk. It is important to say that I suffered from high anxiety and, often enough, irritable bowel syndrome. So my stomach lurched and I ran into the only bathroom in the gym where the dance took place to find that there were ~20 guys packed into the tiny room containing only one stall. I had to wait in line to get to the stall and when I finally sat down and tore ass, all of the guys on the outside started banging on the stall doors and howling at me. I sit in shame until the room is mostly clear and get up to leave only to find out that the tail of my shirt had been in the toilet the whole time and was filthy as…well, shit. Thankfully I had my pocket knife on-hand so I just cut about one foot of material off of the back of my shirt and pulled the poker face all night.”

16. On The Bus

“Mine is a pretty embarrassing story. I was in High School, probably 14-15. First day of the year. Im wearing basketball shorts (this detail will come handy little later). As soon as I get on the bus, I feel the urge to poop a footlong. When I’am talking about urge I mean business, like if i had the choice to vomit it, there would be no hesitation. The bus ride is about 45 minutes with a transfer after 20. Arriving at the depot, I’m running for the public bathroom, as filthy as it was. Of course, it’s fuckin closed because of maintenance. I couldn’t believe it. Went and sat with friends on the second bus, and I was ready to explode. I didn’t say a single word and tried to look as normal as possible but I was cringing and couldn’t stop moving on my seat. Arriving at school, the usual 5 minutes walk looked like 5 hours. Naturally, as soon as I entered the school, I couldn’t hold myself and starting shitting pellets all around the hall to the bathroom. Like rock solid stuff. Maybe 4-5 dropped before I could arrive to the bathroom. Remember, I was wearing basketball shorts.

To this day, I still don’t know if someone saw me and I kept imagining the janitor who had to pick up the shit.”

17. The Hair Dryer Savior

“I’ve had my fair share of bathroom emergencies (lactose intolerance for the win!) but this one was by far the worst/best of recent memory.

About 2 years ago, I was camping with my family. We decided to go out to eat one night instead of cooking over a fire – and went to a local seafood place. The food was amazing, and I ate wayyyyy too much greasy and deep fried amazingness for my stomach to handle. The icing on the cake of my stomach? Stopping for ice cream afterwards.

As soon as we were done my bowels started to churn that special feeling. I knew I needed to get to a bathroom, and stat. We were only 5 minutes away from the campground so I decided to hold it for then. As we got closer, I was more and more nervous I wouldn’t make it, which made me more nervous and therefore more pressure and rumbling. I felt like I was going to explode. I finally asked to be dropped off at the bathroom near the entrance of the campground – which ended up helping me out nicely, for this bathroom had showers and electricity.

Our car pulled up and I jumped out before we even stopped moving. I waddled my ass into the bathroom and found the closest stall I could get into. Normally, I am extremely bathroom shy and can barely piss with other people around, let alone drop a shit storm. And that night, the bathroom was chock. full. of. girls. Prim, proper, “I hate camping but my family dragged me along” teenagers. THE WORST. But this situation called for no shame. I barely had the door shut and my pants down before all hell broke loose. The loudest, gnarliest, nastiest sounds and smells came forth from my ass. No human being, let alone FEMALE, should ever produce anything like this. This should have embarrassed me out of the campground for life.

HOWEVER! At the exact moment hell unleashed from my bottom, one of the girls turned on her hairdryer. The sound COMPLETELY drowned out my agony. It was the most perfect timing. Normally I curse girls like this who can’t live a moment without looking perfect (and c’mon, bringing a hairdryer CAMPING!?)…but that day, I was praising her existence and persistence to do so.

Shockingly, my body emptied itself in that quick first round. I courtesy-flushed and sat a few minutes to make sure I was in the clear. When I went to stand, my legs were shaky. I was light headed. I felt like I just gave birth to some horrible demon, and I was TIRED. But the gaggle of girls had left, and I was able to exit the bathroom practically anonymous. I stumbled back to our campsite like I had gone through war. But I survived.”

18. The Pleasure Cruise Of Doom

“Behold, the terrifying & inspiring story of the PLEASURE CRUISE OF DOOM.

I was on holiday in Australia, a student of modest means, yet desiring to experience the maritime adventure of the Great Barrier Reef. In Queensland, the shorter the distance to the reef the more expensive the ticket on a tourist boat. So I opted to depart from Cairns. The weather was breezy, and there were some waves…I inquired of the Captain whether the conditions were too rough. He smiled reassuringly and said that they were expecting wind of ‘only 15 knots or so.’ Knowing nothing of the ways of pirates, I shrugged and boarded. The trip was supposed to take about 3 hours, arriving at a sand bar from which we could relax and snorkel.

There were 30 other passengers, and approximately 10 crew. The boat was 3 stories, 2 above board and one below. The voyage began pleasantly with much excitement about seeing all the tropical fish and colorful coral formations. Ahead, I saw darkening clouds and white-capped waves. A sense of foreboding grew within me, and over a period of 15 minutes, the mood on board darkened. Soon the boat was rocking & the crew was passing out life vests. By the time each passenger was equipped, the boat was rocking violently…the waves were taller than the boat and we were canting at an angle…as we went up the boat would rock to the left, and as we went down to the right…to such an angle that one could reach out and touch a wall of water that stretched to the sky. I feared we would capsize. But I soon learned, there were darker forces at work…

I was on the deck level at the rear of the ship…there were other passengers on the second level. Then the fateful curse floated past…’I think I’m going to be sick.’ Naturally, on a boat there’s not much in the way of bathroom facilities, and so we soon learned the art of improvisation. Over the noise of crashing waves I heard a bestial moan which could hardly come from the lips of man…Eyes wide with terror I look up to see a fellow passenger clutching the railing…as we pass the mid point in our arc, she’s looking up and opens her mouth wide enough to swallow a rubbish bin, and proceeds to projectile vomit…time stands still and I witness the partially digested contents of our catered lunch suspended in mid air above me…I count several shrimp, gobs of biscuit, mash of eggplant…and fervently praying that this gallon of goo will sail peacefully to its watery demise…the time stop spell begins to wear off and the boat rocks the other direction…all of us afraid to let go of the railing lest being swept out to sea, the boat rocks to the side, catching up with the suspended goo…and the poor woman ends up reuniting with her creation.

Shivering with the shameful laughter of schadenfreude, & the selfish relief of not sharing her fate, Neptune reigns down swift Karmic justice upon me. Overwhelmed with despair & disgust at her plight, she vomits again. This time, looking down…the projectile vomit a bulls-eye…on me. The stench of the stomach acid & warm shrimp quickly overpowers me, and I too projectile vomit…just as the boat has reached the end of its arc and I’m face to face with a wall of water…The stream hits the wave and I end up with a mouthful of seawater flavored vomit…I turn away not wanting to drown, and complete (my first wave) of vomiting upon my neighbor’s horrified face.

The curse gaining power, a chain reaction forms…within an instant all 30 passengers and 10 crew were enveloped in an orgy of projectile vomiting. Groans of agony echo throughout the ship…and the curse will never lift…for as one person finishes, another person starts, which only inspires others…the stench is inescapable…and so the cycle repeats…soon every surface & article of clothing is soaked…the deck becomes slippery with out collective creation.

By the time we reach the calm waters protected by the Reef, everyone is exhausted & defeated. We have surrendered our dignity eons ago, and are wantonly wallowing in the witches brew. Salty sea dogs & land lubbers alike rejoice at the presences of a sandbar where we can recover. And yet, the captain cruelly instructs the slop boy to hose out the ship, which takes several hours as we wait for the storm to pass. A man beside me remarks to his son, “that’s why you want to go to college, so you don’t end up with his job.”

And so I learned, beware 20 knot winds, for they carry foul breathe upon them.”

19. The Client And The Police Officer

“This is more situational than gross. I was out at a closing dinner with management from a company I had signed up as a new client. One of the people on the management team lived near me so he offered to drop me off instead of letting me take the train/subway. We all say our goodbyes and I get in the car; almost immediately the guy says to me that he might need to make a stop.

So I don’t think much of it, we’re chatting, and he starts talking less and less over the course of about 15 minutes and looking more and more uncomfortable. I asked if he was alright, started kicking out some ideas for places to stop (I thought he had to piss) and he keeps saying its ok.

We’re getting close to my place, he hasn’t said a word for about 5 minutes, and all of a sudden lets out this banshee-like wail out of nowhere. I’m actually frightened at this point; for some reason I thought he was having a stroke and kept trying to remember that stupid acronym. Anyway, so after a few seconds, the familiar scent of cheap Chinese food stewed in stomach acid for 8-10 hours and exploded out the rectum reaches my nostrils and I grasp the enormity of my circumstances.

He immediately pulls into an abandoned warehouse parking lot and hops out of the car, goes to the trunk and grabs something, then runs off behind a tree. So I’m pretty confused at this point and I start looking around and realize his seat is actually covered in shit and there is some splashback around the steering wheel and door (I somehow was spared collateral damage). Anyway, just as I finish assessing the damage, a cop pulls up behind the car with the lights flashing.

The cop comes up to the car and just then the guy with my waddles out from behind a tree and starts running towards the car. He had wrapped himself in a sheet which was covered in shit stains (he had apparently tried to wipe himself up) and carrying his shit soaked pants, which were dripping. So the cop takes one look at the guy and one whiff of the car and says, ‘You know what, fuck it.’ Gets in his car and drives away.

Epilogue: Guy got back in the car and did not say a word to me other than goodnight when I got out. I threw away my clothes and huddled in the shower in the fetal position alternatively laughing and crying for about a half hour after I got home. He has never spoken a word to me about this since.”