The Different Types Of Bitches

The Bitch Who Loves Being A Bitch

This is an annoying breed of bitch. They are the ones who will say things like, “I’m a bitch. Take me or leave me!” or “I am such a bitch and I don’t care!” While having self-awareness is great, the ones who identify as being a bitch are usually really caustic and judgmental. They admit they’re a bitch just so they can excuse their crappy behavior. “Look, I know I called you fat but I told you that I was a bitch. I’m just being honest, okay? Would you prefer I lie to you like everyone else does?” In their eyes, they’re just speaking the truth but it’s like, no, you’re being a giant insensitive asshole. Stop justifying your awful attitude.

The Bitch Who’s Unaware Of Being A Bitch

This might actually be the worst type of bitch. Mean people are usually delusional and have trouble accepting responsibility for their actions. They’re the ones who constantly say, “I want no drama!” without realizing that they’re causing all of it. Just watch any season of The Real Housewives for examples. Camille Grammer has it down in spades. It’s important to stay away from these kinds of bitches because they are 100% insane. They will destroy your self-esteem one jab at a time and won’t ever cop to it. “Gee, I’m sorry you’re so sensitive! I was just paying you a compliment.” Ugh, get off me bitch.

The Funny Bitch

Here’s something that sucks: Bitches always think they’re so funny. Whenever they say something that was kind of screwed up, they’ll quickly be like, “That wasn’t bitchy. I was just making a joke!” Well, guess what? Your joke wasn’t funny. It was just bitchy, and bitchy does not always translate to hilarity! So when someone is actually a funny bitch, it’s a great accomplishment. It’s easy to be mean. It’s not easy to be hilarious. If you’re inherently funny, you have to have some sort of edge to you. You’re observant and making biting critiques on the world around you. And because the word “bitch” is such a blanket term (hello, look at this article!), you’ll inevitably be pegged as a bitch. True funny bitches like Tina Fey and Kathy Griffin know how to balance it though. They’ll say a harsh joke but deliver it in such a way that it doesn’t seem bitter. Because when making a scathing observation, you want to make it as digestible as possible. You don’t want to alienate anyone and have them write you off as a crazy unfunny bitch. This is a hard art to master but if you can do it, you’re basically a genius. Funny bitches are my favorite.

The Power Bitch

Power bitches aren’t really bitches at all. They just get shit done. Maybe they’re a Virgo like me! They’re also typically female (because when a woman knows what she wants, she’s a bitch obviously) and hold down amazing jobs. I used to think Kelly Cutrone was a great power bitch but then I watched Kell On Earth and realized she was verbally abusive to her staff and therefore, was just a bitch. Any major diva is a power bitch because they’re advocators for themselves and aren’t afraid to be the # 1 brat. They also don’t make apologies for having determination. Remember when Michael Kors brought his mom on Project Runway that one time? She seemed like the ultimate power bitch to me.

The Gay Bitch

Ugh, I loathe a gay bitch. I mean, if they’re actually funny and smart then I’m obsessed with them but if they’re just a superficial bland nightmare, I’m not amused. I swear, certain gay guys feel this obligation to be an asshole. It’s like they saw it on Queer Eye For The Straight Guy and were like, “Oh, okay. That’s what being gay is like!” I’ve been around gay boys who just say the most awful shit you could imagine. They put their girlfriends and potential suitors under a magnifying glass and judge them so harshly. When did being mean become synonymous with homosexuality? In a way, I can understand it. When I came out of the closet senior year of high school, I asked for advice from my gay friends who were a year older than  me. They told me that in order to command respect, I had to be an asshole. Walk down those hallways like you’re the bitches from Jawbreaker and show people that you’re not willing to back down. So I did. I went to my high school and acted like the complete stereotypical gay bitch and it worked! People were scared of me and I never got any crap from anybody. Although my soul hurt sometimes, I felt like I was doing what I had to in order to survive. Maybe this is where the gay bitchiness stems from. Deep down, we’re all just on the defense. We’re all just scared of getting called faggot or getting the shit kicked out of us so we adopt this larger than life persona to deal with it. Wait, is this why gay men love Lady Gaga and every other diva so much? Because they were also these freaks in high school who later adopted huge personas to cope? I’m having a lightbulb moment. Thanks, bitches!