1. Initiate abstract discussions centered on hypotheticals.

If you can’t talk about something, you can’t do it. So it’s important to start chatting about introducing a third party into your sex life if that’s your aim. Just don’t be too direct to start. Blurting, “Babe, I really want a threesome,” out of nowhere might shock your partner and induce a knee-jerk “no way” reaction. Instead, find a way to address threesomes without actually saying “threesome.” For instance, ask your girlfriend if she’s ever fantasized about being with another woman, or prompt her to speculate about how it might feel to be watched by someone while you make love to her. These questions will plant the right seeds, eventually leading to more and more threesome-y conversations.

2. Send her related first-person stories written by women (not men).

Few things are sexier than erotica couched as a first-person confessional. Luckily, there are a lot of mostly appealing threesome accounts written by females. Pamela Druckerman, the author of the bestselling parenting book, Bringing Up Bébé, even wrote about engaging in one with her husband. Share a few of these fascinating stories with your girlfriend—not all at once, but over the course of a few weeks, or months. Of course there are a lot of regretful threesome stories out there too, but if you can make sure some positive press reaches your lady’s inbox, you’re in good shape to counter whatever anti-threesome slander turns up the day she decides to Google with abandon.

3. Mention the non-trainwreck famous people who’ve admitted to partaking.

Let’s face it: We’re all suckers for celebrity gossip, especially the tidbits surrounding their sex lives. Since quite a few highly regarded famous people have spoken freely about their involvement in threesomes, you might as well use this to your advantage. It’s not all that enticing to think about sexual liberation in the context of the misadventures of Charlie Sheen or Tiger Woods, but the free-spiritedness of well-respected superstars like Sting, Ashton Kutcher, and Lady Gaga—all of whom are, reportedly, fans of indulging in multi-person sex play—is hot and admirable.

4. Suggest watching TV shows and movies that glorify the act.

Once you’ve laid the verbal groundwork, you’ll want to establish the visual component of what a threesome entails. One non-threatening way to do this is to watch television programs and movies that highlight the act as glamorous and satisfying for all parties involved. There’s no reason to be transparent about why you suddenly want to watch House of Cards, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, or Y Tu Mamá También—just suggest these titles at random and let the highly produced threesome scenes do the work for you. Obviously, steer clear of movies that depict threesomes as debauched, shameful, or at all disappointing.

5. Watch relevant porn featuring real people.

Watching pornography as a couple can be a powerful turn on, and an effective way to get your partner thinking about a specific new sex act. To get your girlfriend accustomed to what an authentic threesome looks like—and not just the Hollywood, beautiful person version—porn can be helpful. Select a few amateur videos featuring above average looking regular folks—not a hardcore porno starring designer vaginas and impossibly well-endowed men—and screen them over the course of a few weeks. Gradually, your girlfriend will subconsciously associate threesomes with “normal” people, and not just movie stars or those with intimidatingly large penises or fake boobs.

6. Take her to a strip club.

After you’ve tackled visualization, it’s time to elevate things by tapping yet another sense: physical touch. You’re mistaken if you think a woman can’t enjoy a strip club. One of the best ways to make your girlfriend feel comfortable with the idea of being naked with a third party is to hit up a strip club together, and—after several rounds of drinks, maybe—buy her a lap dance. Watch as the stripper does her thing—swiveling her hips and arching her back and shaking her breasts—and your girlfriend’s hesitation melts into curiosity and then outright pleasure. Just be sure to keep your long-term agenda to yourself.

7. Don’t position the threesome as a gift she can give you.

When you finally broach the subject of a threesome outright, don’t position it as a gift your girlfriend can give you for your birthday or some other holiday. A woman’s virginity isn’t a present to the man she first sleeps with, and her compliance in a ménage à trois shouldn’t be reduced to a gift, either. Gifting someone a threesome is the opposite of empowering. You want your girlfriend to truly want to participate—not to feel as if she’s doing it to be nice because some special occasion demands it.

8. Don’t position it as a bucket list item, either.

Personal bucket lists are for sky diving, base jumping, visiting the Egyptian pyramids, and learning how to speak Mandarin. They aren’t for threesomes. Once you’re in a serious relationship, you can’t just create bucket list items that involve someone else’s naked body without their consent. You can of course draft a couple’s list including sex with an outside party, but don’t whine about how you need to cross “threesome” off your own list before you die. It’s a cheap trick unlikely to be well-received, forever tainting what could be established as a fun joint venture.

9. Give her the reassurance she covets.

Once the proverbial I-want-a-threesome cat’s out of the bag, provide your girlfriend with all the reassurance she needs. A few key points should be emphasized. Tell your girlfriend that she is and always will be your number one priority. Your desire for a threesome isn’t rooted in boredom—with her, or your sex life as a couple—but is born from an itch to experiment together. You want to experience something new with your lover, and you sincerely believe it will be wild and fulfilling for both of you. No additional man or woman is going to interfere with your bond, inside or outside the bedroom. Explain that a threesome doesn’t have to lead to jealousy or to an open relationship, as long as you approach it mindfully and make all related decisions as a team.

10. Let her set some ground rules.

A threesome can sound a lot more appealing to a reluctant party if they’re afforded some degree of control over the situation. So tell your girlfriend that you will not only involve her in every aspect of the planning process, but also allow her to set some ground rules. She might feel ten times more comfortable if guaranteed in advance that the third party won’t be an escort, or someone either of you knows. She might also respond well to being granted veto power when evaluating potential candidates. If she sets a policy you dislike—for instance, banning third party penetration—stay patient, remembering that it’s a sign of progress just to have her contemplating such things. More than one person has been known to bend their own rules when caught in a whirlwind of passion, and some things are easier to negotiate in the moment. The goal is to coax her into a threesome, and then to let things unfold, trusting in the powers of lust, seduction, and arousal.