"Are you sexually active?"
No
"Any drug use?"
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*— Cool Eric (@OBiiieeee) July 10, 2013
[white girl at starbucks]
"yeah i dont even need a cup just pour it in my ugg"— . (@baconacid) March 20, 2013
12013 B.C.: You might run into cougars while out clubbing
2013 A.D.: You might run into cougars while out clubbing
— Adam of Earth (@AdamOfEarth) June 4, 2013
*calls 911*
There is a man in my house with two guns!
*i look in the mirror, flex, and wink*— luke [from online] (@internetluke) October 28, 2013
Grandparents stayed married 50 years cause Grandma couldn't text "What are you doing?" "Where are you?" & "Why are you ignoring me?" all day
— paperwash© (@PaperWash) May 15, 2014
Jake from State Farm takes the main stage. Grinds on the brass pole. Rips off khaki's. There's more khaki's underneath.
— Lazer Cat (@Laser_Cat) June 23, 2013
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas— Ninjar (@_NinJar) November 16, 2013
https://twitter.com/BillRatchet/status/430879444127862784
*white girls trying to get into Starbucks*
"Woah, woah, woah, what's the password"
*pulls up sleeve to reveal "∞" tattoo*
"Go right in"
— george w kush (@yungshoelace) November 14, 2013
https://twitter.com/MrPhetz/status/199500290133733377
https://twitter.com/rare_basement/status/470665789331087361
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
— mustard2021 (@nice_mustard) August 23, 2012
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. "I'm Bruce Willis" he says. The parrot repeats it. "yeah right" Bruce says, but is secretly worried
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) April 17, 2013
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
— Spoonicorn (@MrSpoonicorn) January 31, 2013
https://twitter.com/famoushorse/status/337229140421922816
https://twitter.com/goodassposts/status/430409635955105793
https://twitter.com/ahuj9/status/439063327180718081
hello 911
"whats your emergency"
there's someone in my home
"are you safe?"
it's a girl
"do you like her"
*starts twirling hair*
I dont know— undead acct (@DillDoes) July 17, 2014
listen son, if someone calls you a horses ass, you look him in the eye and tell him "horses asses are actually incredibly strong, and clean"
— wint (@dril) September 26, 2014
My band is so indie we don't even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
— Mike Bianchi (@Mike_Bianchi) October 15, 2013
a flocka waka pic.twitter.com/MTtgSo8lyU
— BJ ®🕊 (@BASEDJESUS) December 4, 2013
My gf always takes a "long bath" after a Ryan Gosling movie. I don't get it, but it does give me plenty of time to beat off to Ryan Gosling.
— Danny Charnley (@DanKCharnley) February 8, 2013
https://twitter.com/swarthyvillain/status/443403444976496640
i srsly thought this was a testicle pic.twitter.com/iWOjRbCd5c
— babby gril (@a_cute_bug) September 25, 2014
