28 Things Gay Guys Do On Grindr

1. Say that they are bored. You know, there are only two emotions on Grindr: boredom and horniness. But “bored” is actually code for horny, so there is no difference. The next time you ask someone how they are doing and they say “bored,” tell them that you are fucking ECSTATIC!!!

2. Tell you they are on their way when in fact they are not on their way. Ain’t nobody got time for a flaky-ass hook up.

3. Not have a photo on their profile and then message you asking if you want to fuck RIGHT NOW. Please.

4. Sending you like 12 unannounced dick pics/ass pics with the cheeks spread all the way open/pics of them with them inside of things/things inside of them. Can you, like, tell me your name first?

5. Use food, animals, and other non-human things in their profile pic. I don’t have a foot fetish so I am not about to respond to a picture of feet?

6. Write you like 12 times because you didn’t respond to the first three messages.

7. No pic no response.

8. Masc U B 2.

9. iTop. (really? Are we doing this now? Is this a thing?)

10. No Drama. (is anyone ever drama free?)

11. Looking For Fun.

12. Are you looking? What are you looking for?

13. Visiting.

14. No Black/Asian/Fat/Femme. Only into other fit white guys. There’s one blog that shows a black guy who said he’s not attracted to other black guys, and someone actually left this comment: “I wouldn’t fuck a black guy either. He’s just being honest, if you are attractive enough to GET a white guy, why settle???” COME ON, YOU GAYS.

15. Telling someone they are ugly just because you don’t find them attractive.

16. Describe themselves or the people they are into as a “boi.” Can we not be 15 years old, please?

17. Say they are a “versatile bottom.” Yes, there are total tops, total bottoms and versatile people everywhere. But a versatile bottom is code for reluctant top!!!

18. Ask you if you have ever met people from Grindr before. Lie about the number of people they have met (for whatever activity) on Grindr.

19. 420 is cool.

20. Describe themselves as VGL or XXXVGL. Calm down on the superlatives. Let us be the judge, Biff.

21. Lie about their dick size.

22. Say they are 99 years old. WHAT ARE YOU HIDING!

23. Leave inspirational quotes and/or Haiku.

24. Get mad at you and call you a nasty faggot when you don’t respond to them.

25. Send you a map of exactly where they are located. Seems dangerous.

26. Open Grindr at the bar instead of going up to talk to people directly.

27. Say that they will pay you whatever it takes if you will simply participate in their weird ass sexual fetish.

28. Describe themselves as “straight acting” — or even fully straight #NOTBUYINGIT.

Read another essay from madison moore in Thought Catalog Books’ new anthology, Boys, here.