Boys Never Text You The Things You Want Them To

Boys never text you the things you want them to. They really don’t. You can spend up to an hour crafting the most beautiful text message. A team of top-notch specialists can look it over and give you the “OK” before you send it off. You’ll think to yourself, “This is it. This is the text message that will turn him into the person I want him to be. This will be the text that will make him realize that I like him and that he likes me.”

The text you send is heartfelt without being overbearing, sweet without giving the recipient a toothache, thoughtful without being too “inside joke.” You look at the text and almost cry because it’s so exquisite. If you could just date this text message, you would. It’d be a hell of a lot easier, you know?

You send it. A giant weight is lifted off your shoulders. Suddenly you feel like Nicole Richie running on the beach. You’re hopeful for the future. You fantasize about the two pugs you’ll adopt together and go on hikes with. Maybe you’ll name them Tad and Chad.

Then your phone vibrates. “NEW MESSAGE”. You feel like pooping your pants. This is it. Deep breaths.

You read it and…fuck. It’s not good. Your smile fades. There are no more hikes floating around in your imagination. The pugs are dead. You hate everyone.

This is what the text message should’ve said:

“Hello, you beautiful loving person. Those words you just sent me filled a hole in my heart that I didn’t even know was there. I can’t believe a person like you exists and is out there text messaging. Let’s grab a drink and fall in love?”

This is what it actually said:

“Cool!”

I mean. Hon. Babe. Sweetie?

Here’s the thing: when talking about crushes or relationships, I feel like we always hear from the person who cares more which, granted, makes sense. After all, if you’re the person who cares less, why would you take the time to articulate your feelings about it? You can’t even be bothered to send a thoughtful text!

But I want to hear these people’s stories. I want to hear from the boys who receive gorgeous texts and manage to fuck it up completely with their one word responses. BECAUSE DO THEY KNO W THEY ARE DESTROYING LIVES? JK (sort of). I want to know what their thought processes are and how it feels to coast through life and your romantic endeavors without breaking a sweat. Because for me, a chronic sufferer of analysis paralysis, I am in AWE, I am stunned at people who are just easy, breezy, beautiful cover girl.

Basically I want to know what it feels like to be the boy who cares less. Because while I do enjoy my brain and overall emotions, it does get quite tiresome caring more and dealing with piss-poor communicators all the time. It seems hard though to truly find even ground with people. Someone always needs to be a little bit more invested in order for the dynamic to work.

Someone needs to be the challenge while the other person needs to be the solution.