8 Insane Thoughts I Have On A First Date

1.  Oh my god, he just made a funny joke and now I’m visualizing our wedding!!!! Could I honestly see myself marrying this guy I just met ten minutes ago? Well, let’s see! Okay, so here we are in GORGEOUS wine country. Either Napa or Santa Barbara.  He looks really cute in a tux and, oh look, there’s my mom crying in the front row. Obsessed! I wonder if he’d let our first dance be to the song “Fade Into You” by Mazzy Star. Is that too depressing for a wedding? Maybe I should ask him if he likes Mazzy Star first. Oh, and here he is feeding me cake. He seems like he’d be good at feeding me things. Like, not too forceful or weird. Just right! Oh, there are his friends. God, they look like losers….

2. I wonder if this guy is, like, appreciating how normal I am. I’m asking the right questions and laughing at the appropriate times. Does he even know how hard I’m working right now to be the best version of myself? Because he should. He should know how hard I’m trying.

3. I can’t tell if he wants to have sex with me or not. Like, I thought he did two minutes ago but now I think he hates me. This shit is a roller coaster! You should just be able to notify your date every five minutes whether or not you’re still interested in hooking up. “Do you still want to now? Do you still want to now? What about now?” That would save everyone a lot of time and frustration.

4. Oh my god, the waitress just asked if we wanted another round. I do, because duh, but I don’t want to seem like a lush and/or keep him hostage for another half hour. I’m sure he wants to leave. Like, right now. Far, far away from me! We should ask for the check, right?!

5. I’m already dreading waiting around for him to send me a text message after the date that lets me know whether or not he’s obsessed with me. I wish we could just be on this date forever so we wouldn’t have to bother being jerked around technology.

6. I’m going to casually mention an ex-boyfriend just so he knows that other people have loved me before.

7. The urge to mentally shout “DEALBREAKER!” after every weird comment he makes is hard but I must resist the temptation. Arbitrary dealbreakers were invented by people who secretly wish to die alone.

8.  This is so hard. Dating is so hard. All of the questions and paranoia and pressure to live up to expectations and seem like a viable partner to someone else. How do people do this all the time? I feel like I’m going to have PTSD from this. It doesn’t matter if I actually like him or not, if I don’t hear from him after this date, it lets me know that I’m not a desirable candidate for mating. Like, this guy doesn’t want to see me naked. He doesn’t want to hold me crying in a cab. He doesn’t want to meet my friends or my family. He has no interest in being part of my story!  Oh god, I think I have to lie down now. Check please.