5 Things I’ve Learned About Life Through Text Messaging

1. People are passive aggressive

When text messages were invented, passive aggressive people around the world rejoiced and said, “THANK YOU JESUS! There’s now yet another medium I can use where I don’t have to express my true feelings to someone and can make them feel bad in a variety of subtle (and not-so-sublte) ways!” Text messaging has now become the # 1 way to find out if you’re in the dog house with a friend or lover. For example, if they reply to your texts curtly with a simple “okay.”, you know you’re up shit creek without a paddle. That period after the okay might as well be a fucking Bazooka gun. YOU ARE DEAD. (Being pissed over texts has become so common that people have become paranoid that a friend is angry at them when they’re, in fact, fine. “When you said “yes” to my “see you later tonight?” did you mean that in a bitchy, “I don’t really wanna see you” way” or were you actually just saying yes?”)

2. People are scared of intimacy

In the past few years of my life, I think I’ve had more meaningful “breakthrough” conversations over text messages than in real life, which is actually very sad. A lot of the milestones in my romantic relationships have transpired over text messages, like telling someone that you really like them and that they’re special and that you had an AMAZING time last night. My heart goes pitter patter over a sweet text message, more so than it does in real life. This is the new age of romance everybody, coming to the screen of an iPhone near you! Also, when there’s a problem in a relationship, people are more prone to first bring up the issue via text message than they are in real life. This makes more sense to me because with texting, you can carefully gather your thoughts and increase your chances of not being misinterpreted. No risk for verbal vomiting here, although text vomiting has been known to happen on occasion. Who here has had INSANE knockout fights over text message? They can be fucking brutal and oftentimes you say hurtful things you would never say in person because you don’t have to see the hurt expression on your partner’s face.

3. We are a bunch of horny and sexual monsters

When it comes down to it, it’s actually SO EASY to see someone naked. Texting is always thisclose to sexting. There’s something about the act of typing down thoughts and sending them over to someone that feels inherently sexual. Perhaps because it feels anonymous in a way? Again, it goes back to not having to face the person, so you feel like you can be more honest. Between Grindr, Vine, and SnapChat, it seems like a VERY sexy time to have a smart phone these days. Unfortunately, I still have a $10 Radio Shack phone that can’t even receive pictures. One time this guy sent me a picture of him in his briefs and my phone couldn’t load it. It literally had a seizure when the picture was downloading, so I had to lie and tell him that the picture was great and gave me an orgasm. SIGH.

4. Karma is a bitch

Have you ever been shit-talking someone with your friend over text message and then accidentally sent it to the person you’re bashing? I haven’t but so many of my friends have and it’s pretty much your worst nightmare come true. Like, there is no graceful way to get out of that situation. You’ve been caught red-handed. Your digital footprint is all over this scathing text. Do you ever get the feeling that your phone is a total mean girl that’s out to ruin your life? Between this and butt-dialing someone you’re currently talking about, I can’t help but wonder if your phone has a diabolical mind of its own.

5. We are sensitive beings

Technology hurts my feelings on a daily basis. Whether it’s because someone I like doesn’t follow me back on Twitter or I can tell if someone has read my Facebook message and has NOT responded, I basically need a bulletproof vest around my brain every time I sign online. However, nothing hurts more than waiting for a text message that will never come. Or it does come but it’s not exactly the text you had in mind. Then it’s hello tears, hello alienation and devastation. As embarrassing as it is to admit, we are all ruled by our phones. Receiving a good or a bad text can make or break our day. It’s so frustrating and yet there is no clear solution. We’re already in it deep. We made a deal with the devil when we agreed to have our lives “simplified” with technology. Now we’ve discovered just how raw and sensitive we really are.