1. Check your phone to see if it’s magically dialing the person you’re currently shit-talking. Why do we do this? Your phone is on the table in front of you. Do you think it’s just going to get taken over by a ghost and start dialing your frenemy so they can hear all the horrible things you’re saying about them? We all apparently suffer from some severe form of PTSD after experiencing butt dials that have gone terribly awry. Butt-dialing is a serious epidemic and it will RUIN YOUR LIFE. IT WILL CALL THE ONE PERSON IT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO CALL. I guess I understand why we’re all paranoid then. Your phone is a little asshole that’s out to destroy your friendships! Don’t trust that bitch.
2. Text phantom people when you’re alone and anxious in a public setting. Technology has turned us into such freaks, I swear. The fact that people all around the world are pretending to text so they can avoid human-to-human contact is frightening.
3. Fall into the deep cavernous k-hole that is lurking someone on the internet. “I’m going to just check this pretty girl I’m jealous of’s Facebook real quick. And then I’m going to check her Twitter. And then I’m going to stumble upon her best friend and check out HER Facebook and Twitter. And then I’m going to Google her. And then I’m going to find her blog. And then I’m not going to finish until I know everything there is to know about this girl without ever having actually met her. Oops.” Gee, thanks to technology, we now know just how creepy we can be!
4. If we ever meet the person we lurk IRL, we will pretend to know NOTHING about them. And we will ask questions we already know the answers to. And we will then smile and feel like a giant creep.
5. Creep out of our bedroom late at night to eat our leftovers, the food we swore we would save for lunch the next day, and consume them ravenously over the sink like a wild animal. I don’t know why we choose to eat them over the sink because it just ends up doubling the shame. Also noteworthy: discarding shameful food activity so your roommate doesn’t see it and give you disapproving “I Know What You Did Last Summer” stares the day after.
6. Google insane #dark shit, the kind of shit that you immediately try to delete from your internet history. What people Google between the hours of 12:00 a.m. to 4:00 a.m. would shock and terrify your loved ones. It is NOT for the faint of heart.
7. Sit on the couch with your roommate, both on your computers, and not speaking to each other calling it “quality time.” “Can’t hang tonight,” you say to your friend on the phone. “Having roomie bonding time. We haven’t sat in the living room and not spoken to each other in FOREVER.”
8. Make up an elaborate lie just so you can get out of plans, even though you really have nothing else to do. You just don’t want to leave your apartment and have to talk to someone. This makes you sketchy and also means you suffer from social anxiety. So bye. 
