7 People You Can Never Trust

1. Mechanics

You go to a mechanic garage, lay down a “$10 off your next oil change” coupon on the front desk, and say, “All I want is an oil change. Might as well ring me up now, because I’m not buying anything else.” 10 minutes later, the guy from the front desk starts bringing things out to you from your car that look dirty. And all of a sudden it’s like your car’s a bigger piece of sh-t than you had originally anticipated. “Your cabin filter needs to be changed, your tires need to be rotated, your passenger windshield wiper sucks, this
little-thing-I-found-that-probably-has-no-purpose needs to be replaced.” Everything he’s brought out already costs a paycheck and a half, and your oil hasn’t even been changed yet. You either cave and spend all your money or leave knowing you’re driving a rolling time bomb. But hey, at least you brought your coupon.

2. People who complain about spending money

I’ve had friends who complain when they can’t go out to eat with other friends on a weekday, but then come home every Friday night with a six pack of corona and a bag of weed. Times must be tough when you can’t have a burrito with your friends but can drop $100 on alcohol and drugs just to pass out on the couch by yourself. Or a past roommate that says they’re having trouble paying rent, and all of a sudden it’s like they find a secret bank account that has money for the “sole purpose” of buying every season of Dragonball Z. What the f-ck happened to not having money to pay for rent? Can you trust someone to tell you the truth when they constantly lie about spending money?

3. Web MD

The problem with Web MD is that the creators weren’t idiots. Any symptom you enter into Web MD will show every possible diagnosis known to man, and it’s all to prevent lawsuit. You have sex with a dirty bird and immediately check Web MD to see if the whole thing was worth it. If you’re really that worried about something, just go to the damn doctor. You can either sit and stare at your groin for months on end, deciding if a little bump is herpes or not, or you can just have a doctor tell you to stop shaving with a straight razor so you don’t get any more ingrown hairs.

4. Classy restaurant chefs

What chefs don’t list on their menu is their secret ingredient. Of course I’m talking about semen. But not really. I’m talking about butter. I’ve learned that the reason why going out to eat tastes so much more delicious than anything I’ve ever made in a kitchen is because they cover everything in butter. Why does my prize tuna steak gleam in the sunlight? Because Mrs. Butterworth stuck it between her butt cheeks before it was served to me. Anyone that gives you something to eat, and doesn’t tell you what’s in it, is no friend of yours.

5. Someone who sexts you

If you’ve ever seen the movie Catfish, you’ll know the most obvious sexts to stay away from are those messages you get from random, ridiculously photogenic women on Facebook. But the less obvious ones are from those that are dating/hook-up material. I had a guy friend who one day started receiving “shockingly dirty” text messages from a female mutual acquaintance of ours. I kept trying to tell him, “Dude, this doesn’t happen,” but his penis had already taken over. Hours of texting went by, his fingers moving like puppets and his eyes bulging like a lemur’s, until finally he got the invite to meet face to face and actually put into practice the words they had exchanged. And as fate would have it, he showed up to a dorm room full of guys with a stolen phone. He left with a hard learned lesson and a pair of blue balls.

6. Your brain

You should consider your brain as an evolutionarily stagnant machine stuck in a future era it has trouble keeping up with. For instance, back before stuff like grocery stores and Epic Meal Time ever existed, food was one of only several other things we would think about. Which is why your brain often talks to you in the following way:

Why don’t you go to the fridge and get some ice cream? You like ice cream. You like Ben & Jerry’s Cake Batter ice cream. Just a scoop won’t do anything, remember all those staircases you insisted we walk? That’s it. No, don’t get a bowl, just eat it out of the container. Don’t ice cream containers make really good bowls? Yes. That’s it. More… More… MORE!!!

And you soon realize that your brain has once again tricked you into eating an entire pint of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. Yet despite this, it’s important that we keep calling out our brains when they lie to us. Because if they get too good at it, then we’d always believe our successes should be rewarded with entire cakes.

7. New hair dressers

The day I found out my hair cutter, Sheila, had moved across the country, I felt like my dog had died or like one of my big toes had been cut off. So I had to step out of my beach-ball-sized, hair-dresser comfort bubble to find a new one. I used to think that you could tell how good someone is at cutting hair by how their own hair looks, but soon realized this doesn’t make any sense. I tried a new place downtown where I met a cute, little late-20s woman. She had frizzy red hair that was tied up in a bun to which I thought, How very stylish. I was fine as she sprayed my hair to make it more malleable, even as she began talking about how women shouldn’t eat fried okra (which I still don’t get), but mid way through the hair cut my eyes started to well up with little tears. I missed Sheila and I couldn’t trust this frizzy, stylish red head in her place. How do you replace someone that filled that little spot of your life that you could count on being correct every time? She ended up doing a good job regardless, but it’ll be at least a year before we’re at that level of a relationship.