Stop Complaining About Getting Friendzoned

Braudie Blais-Billie

Quit the bullshit. I’ve seen too many guys complain online, in real-life, wherever, about being “friendzoned.” But I’m going to clear the air. The friendzone, is an excuse. It’s an excuse for when a guy likes a girl but the girl doesn’t like the guy back. It’s a sense of entitlement. It’s the idea that just because a guy gives a girl his time or affection, she’s in the wrong for not giving him sexual or romantic favors back. It’s a defense mechanism, a way for the guy to make the girl seem coldhearted or callous or dumb for simply acting on her feelings, or rather lack of feelings.

I see guys posting on Facebook all the time about the friendzone, fraternizing over the fact that a female has friendzoned them. I mean, it’s easy to do: the friendzone is a way for the guy to flip his rejection onto the girl. He’s the loyal friend, the one who actually understands her, the “Nice Guy”; she’s beautiful but painfully unaware of how good they would be together, instead opting to chase after the “Douchebags” in life.

But girls don’t like “nice guys” or “douchebags;” they like guys who are real, just like guys like girls who are real. Too many of these guys think that they’re “nice guys” because they’re inoffensive—they don’t make fun of girls, they don’t flirt, they’re afraid to tell girls their true feelings. That’s not a nice guy. That’s a guy who’s not mean, and that’s it. Girls—from my experience—like guys who are charming, funny, kind, intelligent, etc. If you think a girl owes you something simply because you’re a “nice guy,” then you have a warped sense of entitlement with the females, man.

Besides, even if the girl you like actually chases “douchebags,” what are you doing? You’re not a douchebag by nature, so what makes you think that you two would actually be good together? Are you going to change your personality and put on a front for her? What happens when she actually gets to know you? She wouldn’t be liking you for who you really are.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that all the best relationships are natural. Yes, you can pursue a member of the opposite sex, and sometimes they’ll turn you down three, four, five, however many times. But if they don’t even give you the option to be turned down, and instead see your role in their life as a firm, steady friend, then you’re just going to have to accept that—if you actually did appreciate them as a person in the first place.

But if you’re still upset, here’s how to get out of the so-called friendzone, which is the same solution as most problems in life: communicate. Tell the girl you like her. You’re not risking your friendship; if that actually makes the girl not talk to you anymore, then she wasn’t worth it in the first place.

I’m saying this because I’ve been “friendzoned” many times in my life. There was this super cute German girl who lived on my floor my freshman year. She put smileys in her texts to me and I’d bring us cookies when we studied together. A couple of days after Hurricane Sandy happened, we went down to the Hudson River to look at New Jersey, completely dark, the Garden State. It wasn’t my idea: she wanted to take pictures, I wanted to kiss her on the rocks as civilization lay in waste around us. I inched closer to her but her body language said, “No.”

So walking up the stairs on the way back I thought, “Fuck it.” I said, “I need to talk to you.” I sat down on the steps and started talking. I didn’t look at her once, my words tumbled out as half-formed play-doh balls, but I told her I liked her. She blinked and said she had no idea. She sat down next to me and told me she just wanted to be friends. No hard feelings.

Now, I could have just cried and told everyone I was “friendzoned” and gotten angry and bitter for all those cookies I’d given her, but instead I thought about it. I’d gotten to know her pretty well; if she had absolutely no romantic interest in me by this point she probably wouldn’t have interest in me anytime soon. And why would I want to be in a relationship with someone who didn’t like me like that? So I accepted it. It was awkward for a week but because I didn’t treat it as a big deal, she didn’t treat it as a big deal, and we’re good friends to this day.

So communicate: communicate stupidly, communicate clumsily, but communicate. Look down and mumble all your words but at least just let them know. If she doesn’t like you back, it’s okay. If she says she just wants to be friends, and then you turn on her, then not only were you not a “nice guy,” but you really were just an entitled douchebag all along—someone who thinks that a girl owes him something because he gave her his time, effort, or money. The free world doesn’t work that way; that’s what prostitution is…

I mean, sometimes you can get fucked over. If you have communicated your feelings to her, but she’s taking advantage of you and your attention, then she’s exploitative, and you owe it to yourself to get away from her. Anyways, why would you want to date someone like that?

One thing I’ve learned about 90% of relationships is that if you guys get close as friends, and someone still isn’t attracted to you, it’s probably not going to work out, at least for now. It’s hormones, it’s chemistry. I know it’s hard, but you need to either get over yourself and accept her friendship or else leave her alone. And stop complaining about just needing a chance; she’s been giving you a chance since you’ve met, and every time you guys talk or hang out. If she had any interest, she would have expressed it already.

So don’t trivialize her feelings by claiming you’ve been friendzoned. Don’t expect her to hook up with you because you talk to her on Facebook late at night. Don’t think that if she just opened her eyes and gave you a chance, you two would fall in love happily ever after. The friendzone is the ineffectual tool of an ineffectual male. Stop using it as an excuse. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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