“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage” -Brene Brown
When you’re an innocent child and something goes wrong all you had to do was look behind you and there was mom, dad, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, etc. there to piece together whatever was going wrong. Even as young teens, you’d wake with sleepy eyes and ask mom if you could just stay home and relax to escape responsibilities. Everything seemed so easy.
Looking back, I remember when I broke up with my first boyfriend. I regretted the decision simultaneously as the words fell from my lips. I couldn’t fathom the thought of continuing on with my normal life the next day. I couldn’t handle the thought of facing him. I was absolutely heartbroken.
So, my mom did what most moms wouldn’t do. She called my school and her work and she stayed home with me. She gave me my space to be alone and be sad. She knew that’s exactly what I needed. I needed to cry my little heart out on my pillow for a day.
It is perfectly normal to be alone and endure the pain of heartbreak for some time.
As adults though, we sure as hell don’t have that luxury. When things fall apart we aren’t allowed to just check out of normal life and responsibilities. Yeah, maybe every once in a while it’s fine to take a mental break for a day, but that’s if you’re lucky.
This is the time you realize how strong you actually are.
You wake up in the morning and you hear that voice in your head I can’t do this. You drag yourself up and through the pain you get ready anyway. All you hear though is I can’t do this, I can’t do this, I can’t do this.
You go to work and even though you spent most of your time in the bathroom gathering yourself, you made it through. You go to the gym, you come home, you make dinner, all the while you’re thinking, What even happened today? Who did I talk to? I wonder what he’s doing. Is he thinking of me?
You go to bed and you wake up the next morning I can’t do this, but you do it anyway.
I am not going to lie and say it’s easy to wear the mask, because it’s not. It hurts, and it hurts bad. Everything hurts, waking up in the morning hurts, brushing your teeth hurts, driving to work hurts, putting one foot in front of the other hurts, everything just hurts. But you keep doing it.
Then one day you wake up and realize the pain doesn’t sting as bad. You’re doing the unthinkable, you’re moving on. Time has taken its sweet time with you enduring the heartache, disappointment, and confusion, but you’re making it. This fear you had of being alone is feeling like a distant memory.
You have adapted to your new life and new adventures, alone. You walk outside and breathe in the fresh air. You get lost in new books, and you start putting effort into taking care of your heart, soul, and mind.
It is so incredible the amount of emotion and pain you can handle, even when you think you can’t. It is the most difficult, excruciating, and beautiful thing when you discover how strong you actually are when you replace your dependence on another person with yourself. Sometimes, falling apart is the best way to rebuild you. It takes heartbreak, struggle, and chaos to understand the hidden courage you have inside of you. I know this is painful, so you have to let hurt, and let it change you. Allow yourself to mourn this loss, because you are absolutely allowed to, but also know that there is so much life to be lived. Then you have to discover what’s next for you, and what beauty you will fill the empty space with.
There will come a day when you begin to talk to yourself the way you talk to someone you love. You’ll wake up and think I CAN do this. Life is exactly what you make it. Live in the moment and take note of everything you have around you, because it’s only temporary and your time is short.
Always remember, mind over matter.