1. Date their best friend.
2. Only hang out with them in groups.
3. Tell them that you have plans. Send them Snapchats of you watching Netflix all weekend.
4. Draw a photo of a couple. Light it on fire in front of them. Maintain eye contact.
5. Forget their birthday.
6. Forget their birthday after promising to make it “the best birthday ever!”
7. Create NECCO Sweethearts with phrases like “Don’t Call Me” or “We’re Platonic” or “Die Alone.”
8. Convince them to join a softball league with you. Become the captain. Don’t pick them for your team.
9. Turn on read receipts. Open their texts. Don’t respond.
10. Turn on read receipts. Open their texts. Don’t respond. Wait three hours. Then reply “Sorry, didn’t see this!”
11. Invite your nerd neighbor Jameson with the drooling problem to every hangout.
12. Explain that you’re focusing on your career right now and aren’t interested in dating. Show them your half-finished Rube Goldberg machine if they don’t believe you.
13. Show them your half-finished Rube Goldberg machine even if they do believe you.
14. Like articles on Facebook titled “How to Tell Someone That You Don’t Like Them” or “How to Friend Zone.” Tag them.
15. Poison their oatmeal.
16. Respond to every text with the GIF of Steve Harvey looking confused.
17. Microwave your cell phone. Announce that your phone broke and you lost all of your contacts. Don’t ask for their number.
18. Happily date for 15 months before mysteriously dumping them and leaking pictures of you and a steamy British actor snuggling on the Internet.
19. Sub-tweet them.
20. Volunteer for a one-way trip to Mars. Share the press release on their wall.
21. Learn their favorite foods. Develop allergies to said foods.
22. Contract a life-threatening disease. Tell them you don’t have time to date – your days are numbered.
23. Ask them who they hate the most. Surgically transform yourself into that person.
24. Every time they lean in, cough violently.
25. Floss in their presence.
26. Ask them about their bowel movements.
27. Describe your bowel movements in detail.
28. Compare bowel movement stories.
29. Marry them, settle down, have three kids, move to a cute-sounding suburb in the Midwest, incite an explosive argument and admit that you never loved them. Sign the divorce papers in Sharpie with the composed look of someone who doesn’t care, because you don’t.
30. Ignore them.