For those unfamiliar with Bill Burr’s comedy, welcome to a true treasure. He’s probably the most under appreciated comedian in existence because he’s worthy of all of the fame and praise. You may have seen him on Breaking Bad or in various movies, but there’s a whole lot more to appreciate when it’s just Bill Burr, a stage and a microphone. I hate to compare him to anyone, but I will say that his frank, candid, in your face comedy reminds me of Louis C.K., although Burr is most certainly one of a kind. Please, enjoy the quotes and take advantage of his standup clips that are all over the web.
Having a dick is one of the most dangerous things on the planet. How many people are eaten by sharks each year? How many guys lose everything they’ve got because of their dick? Yet the Discovery Channel has Shark Week every other fucking month. Why doesn’t it have Dick Week? That would be the scariest seven days in the history of television.”
Your twenties is all about taking your childhood out on everyone that you run into.
Who the fuck would run for a job where it costs 100 million to get it so you can make 400 grand a year? That isn’t a red flag to anybody?
Real racism is quiet. It’s subtle. People look around first. They make sure the coast is clear. There’s disclaimers, like, “Dude, you know I’m not racist, but, uh, these,’insert group name,’ ‘followed by fucked-up conversation,’ right?
There’s this critical point where you’ve stayed single for too long and your brain switches from ‘You know, maybe I shouldn’t say that,’ to “Eh, fuck it, say it, see what happens.”
It’s not until you’re an adult you appreciate how awesome a dog is. Your dreams start dying, somebody cheats on ‘ya, bankers fuck up your 401k, ‘ya know? Then ‘ya come home and that dog’s looking at you and he’s like, ‘Dude, you’re awesome!’ It’s like No, dude you — you are fuckin’ awesome!
I gotta tell you, I’m envious of women. I’m not saying your problems get solved but at least they’re taken seriously. There’s 1-800 numbers, there’s ribbons, there’s groups—people give a shit. Anything happens to a guy, it’s just considered funny.
There’s no “brothers” when it comes to white people. We are just complete individuals. We don’t care about each other. He’s not my brother; my brother lives in Ohio — I don’t know that guy.
A good story is always you doing something wrong, you know? That’s why nice people are so damn boring. I mean, they’re nice, but their stories suck.
You’re a kid, your whole life is awesome. It’s awesome, right? You had no money, no ID, no cell phone, no nothing, no keys to the house. You just ran outside into the woods. You weren’t scared of nothing. I challenge you to do that as an adult. All your IDs, all your credit cards — just run out of the house with no phone, turn the corner where you can’t see your house, and not have a full on panic attack.
To me this is not yelling. I am not yelling. I’m just passionate about my opinions and I want to tell you all of them before you start talking again.
(on facelifts) What would you rather be? 52 and look 52, or 52 and look like a 28-year-old lizard?
Nothing worse than when a 6 acts like a 10.
I love my dog. I hate bankers. I have issues with women. In my head, I’m a great guy.
Nothing makes a white guy feel safer than seeing a trolly, you never feel you’re gonna get fucked up when you’re around a trolly.
Eating a donut is easiest way to tell the world you don’t give a fuck.
So anyway, I got a lot of fucked up thoughts man…I do. The most recent one was, “You ever drive down the street and see like 30 people on a side walk and think ppppffftt (sound of running people over).” You don’t do it, you just think it. That’s what separates the psychos from the functioning psychos right? Psychos, they just think it, fuck it they do it. They get the windshield wipers going they make a day out of it right? But as a functioning psycho not only do you not do it, you actually analyze it. (thinking) “Man if I just leave my hand right here nobody knows who I am. I move it 2 degrees to the left and I’m on the cover of Newsweek. I am instantly famous. My hand back to here, nobody knows me, just a regular jack ass, move my hand back to the left and its like… “One of the most horrific scenes we’ve seen in years!”
Women are constantly patting themselves on the back for how difficult their lives are and no one corrects them because they want to fuck ‘em.
Fast food I think is like a conspiracy, y’know. I think that’s how they just keep us dumb. You can’t even think after a while, you ever notice that shit? Like you ever had your whole day planned out, you eat one egg McMuffin and you’re just on the couch, Eh, y’know what, fuck my dreams.
I’ve never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It’s always the little things that do me in. 
