There are thoughts that come up sometimes when you’re attached to somebody. “What else is out there?” “Do I deserve more?” “What if they aren’t the one?”
When these thoughts first started popping up in my first relationship outside of high school, I called my mom almost immediately. When she answered cheerily, it tumbled out of my mouth immediately: “Is it normal to not be 100% sure?” I panicked. There was a pause, then gentle laughter. “Totally normal.”
“Really?” I asked. A weight lifted off of my shoulders. This giant secret that I’d been carrying for days without even realizing was out in the open, and it was validated. “Really,” she said. “Everybody feels this way at some point.”
And you know what? She’s right. You’re never going to be 100% sure of the person you’re with – and that’s okay.
This usually happens because there’s a difference between you two. Whether it’s something small (they won’t watch a show with you but expect you to watch a show with them) or big (they want kids and you don’t know if you do too) everybody wonders if there’s somebody who’s more for them than the person they’re actually with. I can’t think of one friend of mine who hasn’t said “maybe I deserve more” after an argument with their significant other. Being unsure is in part due to FOMO, in part due to the unsure nature humankind seems to feel with every big decision they make.
And choosing to be with somebody is a big decision – you’re ultimately saying “hey, I think you’re cool enough to spend the rest of my life with.” That’s big, and also very scary if you think about it for too long.
But that’s why being unsure is okay – because as long as you actively keep choosing your partner, even in those unsure moments where you debate whether staying is the smartest move or not, you are proving that the love you two have is worth keeping around, and that you know that more than anything.
Some might say that you need to be 100% sure of the person every day. That you shouldn’t be with them if you aren’t. I think it’s easy to judge somebody else’s relationship and ignore your own feelings of uncertainty by blaming another emotion. I think it’s easy to ignore uncomfortable feelings than actually reflect and feel them.
So if you can acknowledge that you are unsure, but you love this person and are willing to continue trying to make it work, then you are strong and far more selfless than you give yourself credit for. You are willing to compromise so much for something you still debate from time to time. You are self-aware and thoughtful, careful not to speak your mind because you know these feelings will pass in a matter of minutes. You put in the work and effort to maintain something you know is worth it, even when you get too into your head and overthink things. You are going to feel contradictory at times. That’s normal. You’re human.
You will never be 100% sure of your partner, and that’s okay. So let go of that breath you’ve been holding and feel the uncertainty, then let that go, too.
Living in the “what if” scenarios can be fun, but ultimately, you’re here right now with the person you love. And though fear might creep up from time to time, each day, you prove that you are not your overthinking. And that’s something to be proud of.